So, overall as Kitten and I venture down this new, and not so new, road of our Dom/Sub relationship it has gone better than imagined. It honestly, has been amazing. We are more happy and open about things, we are surely enjoying our roles together. But, given our history, there is some parts that can be, difficult.
Last night, I put myself in an unsafe situation. I drove 2 hours through the mountains after being up all day. I had a small nap, and could have stayed at the Hotel I was in. But I chose not too, without logic. Even though I, at the time, didn’t think it was dangerous, it was. It really upset Kitten today, and she showed me why it was dangerous. I explained my reasoning, but she reminded me of a similar situation a few years ago where she was a nervous wreck for my safety. I stopped trying to explain anything at that point, because she was right.
I had to tap into my non Dom brain for a moment. You see, Kitten and I were in a long term relationship that was not just friendship and D/s. She worried alot, and last nights situation goes well beyond me driving through the mountains tired. I won’t explain past that, but I remembered too late. As her friend, knowing how she worries, and the D/s portion of us, I needed to not flex the Dom muscle, and flex the pure compassion muscle. I know my Kitten, and everyone is different, but I know when she needs me to listen to her words and put them into actions. My wellbeing has always been something that she has worred about, she cares very deeply for me and I know it.
She even said that as we are now, Dom/sub that she shouldnt be so upset. She said how it bothered her all day and she was mad at me and herself for being so upset. But she does care, she doesn’t want me harmed, and she still cares so much for me that she gets scared for my well being. She has a huge heart, and I always need to care for that. Sub, Friend or however she is too me, she deserve for me to always remember that.
We have always had a safety and wellness clause in your original Rules. That when it comes to my health and well beging, Kitten can be direct and forceful, and I had to listen. That was one of the few “rules” where she didn’t need to be subserviant. Even though we don’t have that rule now, I still need to choose to respect it and adhere too it, because it was in there for a reason before. I need to remember that always, this is “her” body as much as it is mine, and even if she can’t “Tell” me now, I can choose to be smarter and protect myself better.
I asked her to forgive me, and she said she had, and has to accept that sometimes I am just “dumb”. She is right, I am a pretty smart guy, I can make a million good decisions, and then turn around and make a dumb one that defies all logic and reasoning, and usually at my own peril. I try not too, but it somehow works its way in. I am trying to approach that differently. Kitten and I deservet that.
So, a bump in the road, yes. But, I can tell where it is different than before with me. When I would make a boneheaded mistake in the past, the day was gone. I would mope and beat myself up. Even now, mistakes that I and “we” will make, just fuels a fire to be better and not wallow in my own self absorbed anger.
We knew, there would be ups and downs with how we are now. Removing the “significant other” aspect and just being D/S and friends would make some things easier, but that doesn’t mean feelings and bumps in the road just go away. I feel better though I know this can be fixed through my actions versus my intentions, and I plan on putting it to action. She and I, are both worth it.