So, After this morning, and living in the land of lockdown stillm I knew I needed to get out of the house and spend some time thinking and greiving. So, I drove. for 8 or 9 hours. Halfway through Nevada, I turned around. I don’t know where I was headed, I just wanted to listen to music and think, and cry, if we are being honest.
I did that, came back to my city and had dinner and then a few drinks. I wasn’t a mess, but I wasn’t feeling my best. Thr whole time trying to balance how i felt I caused this through my shit year last year on some level, and supporting Angel with her new adventure to “walkabout” and find herself and let go of her anger.
I came gome and was relaxing with a cocktail, when she texted. I could have woke up with my head sewn to the carpet tomorrow and been less surprised. I know her, when she has her mnd set, that is it. She doesn’t go back often, and for me, t has been less and less recently.
I told you before how I knew this was coming, i did. Angel was perplexed by it. So I was even more shocked. She said she had a good day but was worried about me. I felt bad, and told her how I spent my day.
Now, in the past, I would have been alot worse on myself. I would have punched walls, drank or idk, look for a fight. Some soryt of “manly” outlet for my emotions. I really tried to do my best today with everything and I thought Angel would be happy I handled it better than I had.
To say I misjudged that would be an understatement. She was upset, and sad. She felt like I would be a little sad, she didn’t relaaize how had it hit me. I told her that I still support her and what she is doing, but I can’t help but look at how my actions could have prevented all of this. Or at least, let me hold her hand through it.
I won’t over share, but it was a decent converastion. I was happy she was worried, from a selfish standpoint. But, I really don’t want her to worry. I want her to figure out what she needs too, and honestly, hope that it is me. I really do, but if it itsn’t, I hope she is happy.
I know I sound like a weird hormonal teenager, but I really want her to be insanely happy in life. More than anything. I can hope for whatever, but as long as she finds its. That is what will make it all worth it.
It was nice, I guess, to know she worries even if I don’t want that stress on her. I knew she would on some level, I know she loves me still. It is hard, to let go even if it is temporary. I never watned too, and never thought I would have too. I know this is her journey, and all I can do is support her. I told her that too. that if she even needed someone in her corner, I am and always will be here loving her.
OF course, I wanted to tell her I love her and not go and all of the things I feel in my heart. I told her some, enough to reminder her that she is loved, and not push, I think. I guess time will tell, my Angel is flying alone again, I hope she comes back to land. But, wherever she lands, I hope she is happy.
Again, I don’t know if I will keep this as active or not. MAybe if I hear from her. I don’t know. Time will tell, as it does with all things.