And Then, She Was Gone…..

Hold dear to you whats most important. Don’t ever lose yourself, or it will cost you the most important person, it will cost you your love.

Angel told me today that she needs to go for a while, maybe forever if we are being honest. I have to now accept that as a reality. I may have spoke my last words to her, and I am not okay with that.

She related it to a Walk a Bout, like in crocodile dundee. She needs to find who she is, and where she wants to be in life. I saw this coming, last week I wrote an email to myself and kind of to her about this. Knowing she was going to push me, and now everything but her kids away.

This is my fault, at the end of the day. I let her go, I let it all go in my self centered mental stupidity. I spent the year pushing her, and it cost me. If I held on tighter…would we be here? I don’t know. But odds are, if she felt safe in my arms on resting on my chest, that she wouldn’t need to do this, maybe she would.

Now, like a man without a country, I wander alone again. This time, I don’t know where I end up. I know the saying “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was meant to be”. But I don’t have to like the part where she is let go, and hope she comes back.

I want he happiness, I always have. I know she is doing this for her, and I want her too. But for me, this is like losing everything and then your best friend too. I sit alone in a quiet room knowing that she wont call or text. The last time I was a lone in a quiet room was when I decided I wanted a divorce.

I always feared that I would end up n a small apartment, seeing my kids every once in a while, alone, and upset. Even though I needed to divorce my ex, I also knew a cost came with that. Those chickens have now come home to roost.

I wish Angel well. I wish her the best. I hope it isn’t forever, but , I have to mentally and emotionally prepare for that to be the case. She is stubborn, if nothing else. She will fight until she gets what she wants. That just isn’t me anymore.

I don’t know if I can write on here like this. This whole site was originally about us as a dom/sub couple and what I learned. I had hoped it would eventally lead to the road back for us being a couple and maybe a dom/sub again. But, that seems to be a shot in the dark.

Like she said to me 20 minutes ago, this isn’t good by.. Just talk to you later.