Unexpected Texts….

So, After this morning, and living in the land of lockdown stillm I knew I needed to get out of the house and spend some time thinking and greiving. So, I drove. for 8 or 9 hours. Halfway through Nevada, I turned around. I don’t know where I was headed, I just wanted to listen to music and think, and cry, if we are being honest.

I did that, came back to my city and had dinner and then a few drinks. I wasn’t a mess, but I wasn’t feeling my best. Thr whole time trying to balance how i felt I caused this through my shit year last year on some level, and supporting Angel with her new adventure to “walkabout” and find herself and let go of her anger.

I came gome and was relaxing with a cocktail, when she texted. I could have woke up with my head sewn to the carpet tomorrow and been less surprised. I know her, when she has her mnd set, that is it. She doesn’t go back often, and for me, t has been less and less recently.

I told you before how I knew this was coming, i did. Angel was perplexed by it. So I was even more shocked. She said she had a good day but was worried about me. I felt bad, and told her how I spent my day.

Now, in the past, I would have been alot worse on myself. I would have punched walls, drank or idk, look for a fight. Some soryt of “manly” outlet for my emotions. I really tried to do my best today with everything and I thought Angel would be happy I handled it better than I had.

To say I misjudged that would be an understatement. She was upset, and sad. She felt like I would be a little sad, she didn’t relaaize how had it hit me. I told her that I still support her and what she is doing, but I can’t help but look at how my actions could have prevented all of this. Or at least, let me hold her hand through it.

I won’t over share, but it was a decent converastion. I was happy she was worried, from a selfish standpoint. But, I really don’t want her to worry. I want her to figure out what she needs too, and honestly, hope that it is me. I really do, but if it itsn’t, I hope she is happy.

I know I sound like a weird hormonal teenager, but I really want her to be insanely happy in life. More than anything. I can hope for whatever, but as long as she finds its. That is what will make it all worth it.

It was nice, I guess, to know she worries even if I don’t want that stress on her. I knew she would on some level, I know she loves me still. It is hard, to let go even if it is temporary. I never watned too, and never thought I would have too. I know this is her journey, and all I can do is support her. I told her that too. that if she even needed someone in her corner, I am and always will be here loving her.

OF course, I wanted to tell her I love her and not go and all of the things I feel in my heart. I told her some, enough to reminder her that she is loved, and not push, I think. I guess time will tell, my Angel is flying alone again, I hope she comes back to land. But, wherever she lands, I hope she is happy.

Again, I don’t know if I will keep this as active or not. MAybe if I hear from her. I don’t know. Time will tell, as it does with all things.

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2 Comments

  1. My oldest child had a GF that sounded a lot like this situation (if you don’t mind my saying), she basically kept him on a yo-yo for a few months …. he screwed up, yes, but so did she – and she wasn’t able to move one from there.
    I was glad when he finally had enough and said goodbye, he got his head back on straight and his life back together.
    He now has a new person in his life (3 yrs now) and is much happier – no more broken walls, no more broken doors ….
    It’s hard to know what the truth is of someone else’s life, i grant you that. But this does all feel so familiar to me. Just a second opinion, take it or leave it, don’t feel the need to defend her. It’s entirely your choice anyway.
    Some relationships simply don’t work well together. I’m not trying to be rude, it’s just the same feeling i get from many of your posts. Like i said – familiar.

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    1. I appreciate that. I also know her situation which i won’t fully out, not fair too. But she has good reason to be where she is. As do I. I have said that if she and I never get back then it will be hard, but I understand that too. She has a bunch to consider, I do too as I maybe looking at a career change and a third knee surgery (again). Im on no rush. I am just living day to day and being grateful for what I have. Thank you for your comment though.

      Liked by 1 person

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