I Let Her Anguish

For the past year, and I didn’t listen until it was too late. Tonight, I reacted because she didn’t text me all day, and I got upset. Kitten had never just ignored me, and because I am still in total love with her and want to fix it all, I still react the same as I would, the same I always had when she would go quiet, from the beginning.

Kitten asked why I was so upset, and even laughed at it. Like it was surprising that I would be. It led to a whole talk again about the last year. How I didn’t talk and trust her, how instead I hurt her. How I didn’t go talk to someone when she saw it and knew I was hurting and weakening. I didn’t listen, because I thought I could fix it.

Everytime I made a promise to be Sir and give her what she needed, and then saw her break and cry, I failed. I tried, just not where it counted, even though she told me. Whatever was in my heart didn’t matter, I would see her hurt implode. She would even tell me I was imploding.

She brought up how everytime I made that promise and failed it was a lie, like promising your kids you would go to their game and miss it. Again, intent means nothing, action meant it all. I chose to not listen, I chose to implode, I chose to try and fix it in a way that “He” wouldn’t fail. Maybe I didn’t trust him, he hurt her before? I don’t know, when I was going through it I was just fighting to be better.

I told her that I am now trying to deal with this depression, that it was not clear in my brain why I couldn’t fix it. She still gets upset when I call it a depression, but at this point I know what it is. I have read enough, I have done the research. I was caught in a mental spiral of feeling worthless for her and me. Like every thing kept failing, and I was not able to find the way to make it right. I even told her that I had hopes she would read on loving someone with depression. I am not looking for a pity party, I am looking to fix this problem I have never faced before.

She said tonight “I hope you find the diagnosis your looking for”, but I am not looking for a diagnosis. i am looking for a way to deal with it and fix it. I am looking for a way to see it coming, and head it off. I am looking for a way to be mentally stronger, and control that emotion. I have never felt this weak, and it sucks to not recognize yourself. Even when you have everything you need in your life, you feel worthless.

I am depressed, that is clear. I have been, and I think in her heart of hearts she knows it. I know she is so angry about me not trusting her, going to her, listening and then getting it all out. She watch me spiral and I wouldn’t let her save me and at the same time I wasn’t giving her what she needed. It hurt her, and made her disdain me. It broke the love in her heart, and the trust in us, and me.

I know it is gone, and I am not in denial. But whenever we talk, I always want her to see hope in me. Hope I can change and learn the ways to never let it happen again. To be the man she fell in love with, and help me when it tries to rear its ugly head, while i help her to love and care of her until forever. Now that I can admit to what I have to face, I know I can not repeat the mistakes. I can not do anything but hope she see’s that in me someday, and I wont give up in my heart, probably ever.

We talked about when we first me, how broken we both were. I was, but it wasn’t the same. I felt used, I felt discarded, but I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough, I actually knew I was too good for my previous relationship.

This one, its different. this circle I was caught in was because I didn’t feel like I was good enough, like she deserved better and I couldn’t be it. It wasn’t what she said, it was what I said. I wanted to be everything for her, and I stopped being what she needed.

When she would hurt, I would implode. I would watch life hurt her and get angry I couldn’t be there. I stopped helping her, and started being angry, at myself for not moving sooner, or not being able to fix “x,y,z,” and that consumed me over just being there for her. I guess it was the issue of not forgiving myself, I don’t know.

I never meant to lie, I see how she see’s it as a lie. I understand why she does, I just hate to see it. I never sought to deceive her. With every promise I made, I was meaning it. I would stumble, and fall, and then the cycle of worthless would stop. I would make up for it in all the wrong ways. But, her perception is what matters, she saw it as deceit.

I learned she finally told her sister about me, after 3 years. She told her everything, which in itself is amazing. Her sister, naturally seeing her sister upset, told her to kick me to the curb essentially. I only wish she saw it all before, when it was amazing. Maybe the other person for Kitten would’ve helped. Maybe she needed to talk to someone, like I did.

The conversation didn’t end well, she was angry at me. She asked me why she should ever give me the chance, when her heart was broke, and I told her the truth. I know the reason now and I can fix it. I know I can. I am gonna find ways to avoid it, and keep it at bay. I am gonna be the man she fell in love with, and I wanted her to hold my hand and try with me. That I stumbled but I am getting back up again, for me and for us if she will have me. I will never ignore her or think I know better. I will talk when I am weak, and hopefully learn better skills for my failures.

I asked her early why she kept talking to me and didn’t just cut me off, and she said she didn’t know. Because she would worry about me, maybe. I projected a little, and had hope and told her what I thought, that maybe there is still something there. She called me on the projection, but I really was trying to give a potential reason. I also told her that if she had to cut me off. That I didn’t want to be a pain to her anymore, that I was gonna fix me. I mean that, if she is so done that I am only anguish, and there is zero love left, then she can go on with her life knowing she gave it her all. I mean that, I only want her happiness.

I can only hope she doesn’t see the excuse of the depression and sees the reason. I hope she see’s me actually trying and going to therapy is enough to SOMEDAY show her that she was worth it, and I can be better. I wanted to fix it for her, before I wanted to fix it for me. But now it is for both, hopefully.

If not, she will always be my love, the one who got away. I will still follow through with making myself better, because I would never want this love to dye in total vain, that if nothing else my love for her made me learn to love myself again. I can only hope, but still have a battle strategy.

S.L.

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