I asked to much from the heart I already broke, and kitten told me today that we can just be friends, but she needs to let the anger go and that means stopping the argument over who I became the last year. ‘
The person I became, even last night I was referring to myself in a manner that was suggesting it wasn’t me. Kitten told me how when I said “But, that’s not who I am” it made her want to hit me and triggered her anger.
I wasn’t trying to deny it was me now. I wasn’t trying to deny that it was the person who made choices, it was denial that I became that person and that if I had been the same person the prior 40 plus years, why did I let myself become the person now. Especially, because that is not my core, and I don’t want to be him anymore.
I can see her point of view, she absolutely was right, as I have been sleepless the last few nights I have been working hard at recounting the last year repeatedly. Seeing the bad choices, seeing what I did to her and us. Wondering how one decision led to another. I have been trying to step back, the last month even, and look at myself for the last year and compare me to the rest of my life. So I guess to seperate my mind from that person, I was kind of making him this other being. It is still me, I am just trying to analyze it.
I did make all these choices. I chose to hurt her, by making choices. I chose to step away from our love and commitment and everything that was amazing, through my decisions.
I guess trying to figure out why, for myself, I gave up heaven for my personal hell. Why I chose my selfishness over our happiness. I need to keep on that path, and relive it over and over to fix that for myself and never become the person I AM again.
I told her I was “a piece of shit” and she said she never thought that. I love that she still tried to protect me from me. But I am, because I am this person. I became a piece of shit, and treated her like garbage. I took her perfect heart and I broke it. I am a piece of shit for that, that doesn’t mean I can’t be better and I won’t be better. But, this is me, for now.
I have always despised that in people, just shitting on the ones they love. I was a victim of it, actually, and I should have known better. it is what shitty people do to good people, and I need to fix that inside myself.
This last month is a process, it has been trying to have enough self awareness, fight through the denial, accept what I have done and find a path to fixing it. But it is a year of a bad mindset, bad thoughts, negative thoughts about myself I need to undo. It is also a year to process, and really bore down to what has cause me to change into this monster, the monster that would hurt the heart of the one I held dearest.
Self Destruction had never been a problem for me, and I have completely fell into that path and I took her down with me. I didn’t even have the spine to just be honest. That part is weird to me too, because I have always been blunt and honest.
I want her to be happy, to let go of her hate and anger at me. To enjoy her days again, it sucks it isn’t with me. She will always be the one I never wanted to let go of, and I surely won’t ever in my heart. But, she has made it clear that we are no longer even a couple at all. I have to respect that, even if I don’t want it to be.
I also never wanted to be the person I became, but as Kitten says “Here we are”.
She has no idea how grateful I am for her, even still. I will be forever grateful for everything she gave me. For seeing the broken in me early and not being afraid. For holding on a year of me being shit, and still trying and giving me her best. I wish, in my heart of hearts, I had done the same for her.
I love her, and I always will. She will always be my little Kitten in my heart, even if it means she is living different now.
To my Kitten : I am sorry, I hurt you. I let you down. I became what I hated and hurt you repeatedly in the process. You deserve the best, and that isn’t me, at least not now. You gave your heart and soul to me. A love like I never known. And I squandered it and I squandered us. Like you said, you were trying to fix our foundation in the rain by yourself, and I was in the house lighting it on fire. You deserved better. You always will.