Shoulda, Coulda

I reflect a lot. I find for me that in life, you can’t look past mistakes and not learn. I also feel that even when you think you have figured something out, it isn’t a bad idea to go back and just go over things. Not in a way that you beat yourself up, but just in a way to learn. Maybe more about yourself, maybe more about others. I don’t like intricate puzzles or riddles in general, but when it comes to myself, I don’t like miss any clues to make myself better. Especially for me, I am the one who always has to live with my own actions, good or bad.

For me, I know I have a lot of personality quirks. I am Type A, I will take over and run things if I need too. I will fight, hard, to reach an objective. Failure devours me, because I put so much effort into things. That is one quirk I have been working on. Not to let certain mistakes tear me down. I am also sentimental about certain things, so when that crosses with mistakes, it is a one. two punch to my gut. I am far better now, than a year ago, but it is still a work in progress. So, reflection of my mistakes, especially with Kitten, can be a slippery slope. But honestly, not this time.

Last night, I made a nice dinner and watched a movie. I had a Manhattan and just relaxed. Kitten and I were texting here and there, as she is unpacking in her new place and trying to get everything set up. I have been trying to be responsive, talk and chat, but not be at all inundating and pushy. I know that it is not my place. I am just trying to be a good friend.

So, when she texted me that she cut and burnt her arm and got hurt, I had the weird Dom influx. I immediately wanted to fix her, fix it. I had to remind myself that it isn’t my place. Then it got me to thinking, it never really was my place. Of course, I would have tended to her if I were there. Of course I would have physically helped if I could, and tried to ease her pain. But I couldn’t with the distance, and never really had been able to do anything like that. It clarified something major, I think I missed with her.

You see, as a type A, I just always wanted to take the proverbial bullet for her. I would have jumped in front of everything to protect Kitten. It didn’t matter what it was, I was ready to jump in and fight anything that was ailing her physically or emotionally. The problem is, I forgot what made us so great early on. I got so caught up in wanting to be there, I neglected the big part of my job. To support her, listen and try and offer advice.

I knew long ago that I got caught in trying to physically be there, and blaming myself whenever something came up that I couldn’t fight for her. I wanted to be there with her so bad, it became all consuming. I knew that, she told me, that I focused so hard on that I let so much of “us” go because I would get so angry at myself , that I neglected what I could actually do. Support her.

You see, Kitten is strong and needs no one to fight her battles. As many know, submission is usually done by a very emotionally strong person, as it takes a lot to give up so much of your life for a dom. I knew that all along, I knew her strength, she is the strongest person I know. But, what I forgot was that she never needed me to physically fight, which is what I got hyper focused one, she needed me to support her and escape all of her fights. She needed me to be that safe place, and not physically. The place where she could let everything else go and focus on me, who was focusing on her. I used to be amazing at that part, and then I wasn’t.

I got angry at myself for not fighting a fight I wasn’t supposed to fight. I documented that well on this blog over the last year. I was focused on what I couldn’t do and not focused on what I could do. Because of that, and hiding the emotions and struggles, it broke the trust. She begged and pleaded over and over for me to go back to where I was great, and I didn’t listen. I kept trying to have the fight, the fight she could fight and needed me to support her on.

So, now as we chat and are in our current place, all I can do is be supportive. I can’t fight anything for her, I am not allowed even if I wanted too. I don’t, I just want to be there for her when and if she needs me. I wish I could build back the trust, who knows maybe some day. But I am not focused on that. I am not focused on fixing anything with us. I am not pushing or pulling her back. No, now I only focus on what I can do. Support her, be an outlet, maybe share advice. If that’s all I can ever be, then so be it. She is still the most important person in my life, I have shaken my regret. I have stepped out of the bad place I forced myself into. Now, I shoulda done this before, I coulda done this before, but now I am just going to be her support. Like she was for me when things were bad.

~Sir

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