I Know Better

I know I am not supposed to miss her still. I know that we gave it our best, even the last time, where we tried for this submission only relationship, where Kitten wasn’t my significant other and I wasn’t hers. I know the week or so we spent last time, was supposed to be just fun, and it was. I think we both put a lot behind us going into that time, and what did pop up, emotionally, we handled well. “90 percent of the time” was good, according to Kitten. I agreed, it was good and even the emotional time wasn’t bad, it was just there.

I know I was supposed to just go home and everything was normal. She was preparing to move, I had to go back and try and finish this injury that has plagued me for 3 years so I can move on from it. We talked after I got back, and Kitten said that she couldn’t do the submissive part anymore, with all that was going on with a move halfway across the country, starting a new job, COVID and everything else, she didn’t feel submissive. Maybe that was my doing, I wasn’t her safe place anymore. Maybe it is just how life goes sometimes. But, we would still talk here and there whenever she reached out, I told her I would respect her space.

Day to day has still got better for me emotionally over the last year. I am fighting, the good fights, I wasn’t before. My patience is back. Physically, outside of my knee, I feel good. I have a lot of stress too, but I think overall I am better at dealing with all of it. I have the passion where it helps, I have the calm where it is needed.

But, I miss her. I try to go through my day, hearing from her sporadically, like it isn’t a noticeable absence, but it is. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to text or call, but I promised I would only talk when she did. I can’t tell you how much I miss seeing her face, her smile. To talk to her and share my day. To feel close to her, especially now that I have so many good feelings back. I also miss my Kitten, the Sir in me craves her still. It doesn’t lessen with time, in grows.

I know where we stand. She doesn’t want any relationships. She doesn’t want to submit. We are even just somewhat friends now, versus talking all day everyday. She is going through a lot, more than I can even explain, and I think she is trying to find who she is now. I just hope she doesn’t lose me along the way. I can’t sit here and hope, but I do miss her. Especially at night, when I lay my head down. Sometimes it is the soft and tender between couples. Sometimes I think of putting her collar on, or feel her wrap her around my thigh. Other times, it is just talking to her and seeing her smile and laugh. It makes going to be hard sometimes. Sometimes a drink helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

I know she doesn’t read this anymore. If she did, she would probably tell me I shouldn’t do any of that. I should learn to be happy for me, and I am. I think that is what makes me crave her more. I know she is the most confident person in the world, but somewhere inside her is a little voice that can’t figure out why I still care as much as I do. She even said last time, she abandoned me when I was hurting, and something inside me should be afraid it would happen again. She broke up with me, but she was there by my side even still. She knows I would take everything back in a moment. I don’t think she understands why. I know she thinks she does. But, she doesn’t.

I should know better, but I am stubborn. I know what perfect is, and I had it with her. It was like a drug, and my system still craves all of it. I only wish I had that other chance, the one I never got. Maybe some day, doubtfully. Who knows what will happen in a year or 20. But I can tell you, I would prefer to be alone than with anyone else. I know that for sure. No one else would have a fair shot with me, because the bar of perfection for me was set so high by her.

So, I raise my drink, and salute her. The woman who only thinks she knows how amazing she is, the woman whose strength and intelligence are only shadowed by her beauty. The woman who I would lay my life in her hands, and the woman who I want to take care of again.

I hope unpacking is going well, Kitten. You deserve smooth and enjoyable.


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