I was thinking alot about my post I wrote about the unknown. I was thinking about how scary the unknown truly is. About control and lack of control. It got me to think about the first time Angel and I kissed and made love.
You see, Angel and I met online. We went so many months getting to know each other, and we did it in such a way that we tore down all the walls we had built. The only thing we had was our personalities and our history to build off of. When we finally decided to meet, and get together, how it would go was unknown.
Angel and I have discussed that night of angst and fearing what we didnt know, being afraid of the reality. We knew we loved each other in our hearts, more than anything. But the rubber was now being lowered to the road. We were about to cross into a different place.
Angel was afraid I wouldn’t feel the same, or be physically attracted to her even though I had seen her a million times. I had the same fear. Then the physical contract. kissing and love making. Would it be as amazing in person as we talked and fantasized? We had an idea, but we didnt know.
Then it happened, I remember pulling up to meet her for the first time. My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing. I knew so much, but I also didn’t know just as much. I remember seeing her in her hoody, hands crossed and it all started to fade away, the fear of the unknown.
It faded more as I got out of the car and ran to her. I ran, full run. I remember dropping my bag in a run and grabbing her face and kissing her. That kiss, god, nothing had ever been so perfect. So much of the unknown went away in that kiss. I stood there holding her face in my hands, my lips to hers. I wondered how I was ever nervous before.
I was nervous again, when we made love the first time a short while later. I was hesitant to push her, I wanted her to be ready and she was. She pushed me a little, just enough to let me know, and it was all amazing from there.
All of those conversations, learning to love from afar, me flying to meet her, the nerves, the wonder. All of it disappeared. The world stopped. Everything was perfect. The unknown, was known. The fear was gone.
This week brought up more unknown for Angel. I was lucky nough to be able to talk to her a little about it, and just be there if she needed me. I can’t fight the fight she is having, but I can be in her corner. I can try and give good advice. I wish she would lean on me like she used too. I wish she felt safe too. I wish I could help her more, and be more in her heart during this.
I thought about the last several months. Me fixing myself, Angel working on herself. We did it “apart” but we still did alot very much together during it. But there is a stark contrast to how it was, but that doesn’t make it any less special to me. That we were fixing “us” as individuals.
I wish I could put any doubt about “us” to bed for her, but I know I can not force anything. If it is meant to be, it will be. I fear the unknown for her and for me, but not how I did last year. I fear it, but I am ready to face it now. I remember facing the unknown before and winning and I know she can do it, as can I.
I hope knows, in her heart, that no matter where she goes, or what she does I, I would go to her. Where ever it is. Angel said a few times when I told her she is still in my dreams, that those dreams about her will go away. I don’t think it will. I feel like, we were being tested.
That the test is that the unknown for us before was so easily beat before, that we are pushed to more unknown. Given how we started. The up’s and downs we went through as a couple and as indivudals. We still find a way to find each other everyday.
Our relationship was born in fire. We were never supposed to be. We had so many things that were supposed to keep us apart. Forbid us from love. We were not supposed to even find each other. But we did. I hope we can do it again, because god knows, we deserve us.