Looking in the Mirror

If there is one thing having a lot of extra time causes, is reflection. I know I over think some things, and I do it alot. You can call it anxiety, call it whatever. But I tend to overthink when I stress or worry about certain things, not everything. Not physically moving faster and closer to Kitten fast enough was the biggest thing I over thought, especially when things got bad for me, emotionall. I knew it mattered and I really wanted to be able to do it faster, and I couldn’t fix it. I would spend hours wondering how I could pull it off, then rethinking all of my options repeatedly.

I have taken note of that and how I worried, and how it effected me mentally and emotionally. I have also used that to Example: when I am thinking about a subject, I notice if I am really considering the facts of it and trying to solve whatever “it” , or if I am replaying it a million times over and spinning my wheels in my head.

This is probably something I should have learned long ago, but the whole overthinking thing is new to me, like in the last 18 months. On the other hand, I have been better about catching myself and trying to be more and more analytical vs. reactionary, like I used to be even 3 months ago, so I am taking steps. But I have a ways to go in shutting that “over think” machine off.

Now, that is not to say I don’t step into “landmine, and whatever “that” landmine is, bounces 6 feet from the ground and explodes in my face. Yes, most of these “landmines” involve the emotions I have with Angel.

The example recently, Angel was texting about waking up earlier for work and how she had to pack a bag for after work. Now, this is not the norm for her routine, that change and the obvious have the feelings I still have for her, caused a reaction in my heart, with jealousy, like “where is she going? why?”

Then, I shouted at my self internally to shut up, and she can go where ever she wants and doesn’t have to check in with me anymore. I tried to respond to that in a normal way “Oh, have plans?”. The problem is, Angel knows all of me, and probably read that to the sound of me talking through my teeth trying to act calm (insert landmine explosion).

She responded that she had plans after work, and let me dangle with that for a minute. Then, she reminded me that she was specifically on a work assignment that she had to have a change clothes for afterwards. Which, I had not thought of. She also made a snarky comment about how a co worker, who had asked her out the day he found out we broke up, finally wore her down, as a joke. Just to drive her point home.

She then went on to explain how my sudden response was oozing with jealousy and she was messing with me to prove a point. How she would tell me if something like that was happening, or a date or whatever out of respect for me.

But, it is hard to balance reacting and being “me” and being the ‘friend” version of me. I really was going to not push or ask beyond what I had typed. I was trying to respect the distance and where I can and can not push anymore.

Angel told me if I had phrased it differently, it would have been better. But it wouldn’t have, it would have came out the same because she hears me say whatever I text. She knows my reactions. She knows me. I also remember when my jealousy was “cute”, so it shows you how much has changed. I think anything other than “oh for work” probably would have oozed with that jealous and she would have heard it. I just didn’t pick the right phrase, and honestly, it was jealousy riddled.

She also explained all of these other factors I could have considered, that I did not actually think of, as I am not looking at it from her side. I am the one who caused the break up, so my field of view is different. I am also trying hard to just be a friend, which obviously I keep failing at. But, I am still trying and won’t stop trying.

I have regained alot of myself I lost. Even now, in the face of everything with Angel and I being broke up, being laid off, my daily pain in my knee, unemployment not paying for a month and so much other with this Covid lockdown. But, I am handling it much better than I would have 3 months ago and this is without seeing a therapist in the last 1.5 months. I can tell you what I think has helped, Angel. Just being Angel.

I have also got better about listening to Angel’s words, and not assuming. I have much further to go (see previous reaction about packing a bag), but I am trying. I am trying to also be more honest, and I think I am also going to stop “friend” braining everything, and just respond normal to her about everything. Like she said, I can’t lose anymore of her than I have and me trying to “answer like a friend” hasn’t worked great.

I have looked back at how far I have come, and I am happy with my progress. I am still sad sometimes about what we have lost, but I am not dwelling like I was.

That being said, I am still sad I am not the smile on her face, and not her man. I am not the person she relies on, which I used to take so much pride in and it made everyday worth living better. Yes, I am still sad I let her down, her, of all people. I miss the way were were, I miss the happiness. I hate knowing that I put so much on her shoulders that last year hoping she would carry us through, that there was enough love to weather my storm, but there wasn’t. She tried to tell me a few times and I didn’t listen. Mistakes I will never repeat. It caused her to break emotionally, lose trust and have to break up with me. It wasn’t fair for me to do that, and I know this.

But, I know what I lost. I know how amazing she is. I know the happiness I can give to her, the happiness she deserves. I know how perfect she is for me. I wish I could put into words how I truly feel for her and how I see her. I know sometimes, the blog gets the down side of all of this and my emotions. I even made the petty post recently that painted Angel in a bad light. The angry, sad and down emotions are easier for me to put into words on here, and I have been trying to be better in general about that.

But, that Angel, that amazing green eyed beauty that can stop a train with a look. That brilliant and funny woman who always made everything right for me, and made me what to give her more and more. When I let her and didn’t try and hide my struggles, She gave me love that lifts me above. That woman, who to this day, makes me laugh out loud non stop. That Angel who may not be a perfect being, but she is beyond perfect to me. I would give anything to be that smile on her face and the warmth in her heart. ~S.L.~Sir

Overall, it has been over 3 months since my world crashed. I have gone from barely able to look at myself, to really getting my personality and myself back. I still make my mistakes, but I am rebounding much better than I had. I am trying to take care of me, and be a good person for Angel to talk too. At this point, that is all I can do.


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