Values…work your core values. Remember who you are and if you love someone, the promises you made to them. If you are falling short, tell them. Remind yourself that whatever you are going through, it temporary. Stay true to yourself and you will be true to those you love. Be fierce when you need to be, be loving when the time comes, be forgiving and understanding.
I wish I had wrote this a year and a half ago. I wish I knew I was going to go into the slump, I will call it that now, that I fell into. I wish I remembered what I had, and not what I wanted. I wished, I could have forgiven myself for everywhere I was falling short, seek forgiveness in those I fell short for, including myself.
I wish, beyond anything, I kept my promises to Angel. When I lost my values, my way of being, I turned my back on our relationship, and cheating on her with future her, because thats all I was focused on. Where we COULD be, not where we were.
It was simple, and I blew it. Angel and I knew it would be several years before we would be together. We had a 5 year plan, originally. But, when it looked like it may be sooner, and thats all I focused on. Then, when things didn’t pan out as we hoped, I began blaming myself, and not talking to her. Not listening to her, and her reassurances, I lost my core value, and the core values in our relationship.
Angel fell in love with my cocky and confidenceways. I knew that. As we grew, we also aquired the “thing” as we were so intuned with each other. Ironically, that “thing” is alive and well, and that is a weird thing to process some days, given where Angel and I are.
Now, I am closer to the man I want to be. I have my swagger back, I have my confidence back. I feel whole again, even with the current situation that is presented in my life. I still feel better, and I know there is one big thing missing, but I can only focus on what I can do day to day.
Angel and I were chatting the other day, and I mentioned how I am trying to fight through everything right now and be the best me I can during the layoff, the injury and being home all the time. I commented how it was much like last year, and I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. Money (Still no unemployment pay after a month), bills, pain, impending surgery. There was alot of the same issues that I had last year.
Angel mentioned how there was one major difference, and that is certain. But I am also dealing with much of the same, and I do have a loss, one that is bigger than the one she and I shared last year. I lost Angel. Maybe not as a friend, but I did lost my relationship. That is a major loss to me I feel, even still.
Now there is more time too, last year she was working two jobs, dealing with me, dealing with home and everything else under the sun, and I think about the time I didn’t have before and missing her and not even saying it. Where as now, I am missing out on much more time. Last year she literally was running in circles most days, I didn’t take advantage on how I can help. I try and do that now.
Angel still gets frustrated when I “know” things, or when the “thing” kicks in. She is changing her eating habits, and was doing it privately. I guess she just wanted something she could do alone, and without me asking or prying. But, I figured it out, somehow, and just mentioned I was proud of her. She asked later how I knew and I explained. She was clearly frustrated I knew, and I felt bad, but I also didn’t. I was glad that I talked enough and felt it and paid attention.
She is trying very hard to keep emotional distancing, and I am trying very hard to respect that. I know she is trying to figure herself out, and I am 100% on board for her to do that. I also hope that she finds forgiveness for me. Everyone under the sun knows where my heart is, but I can’t even think of it. I do think of how, if she forgave me not in words, but in her heart, both of us would heal more. I can’t force it or help, but I know that anger is still there. I also know she doesn’t like carrying that anger. But it isn’t as easy as just letting go, I know how that works. I carried anger too, just at myself.
We are figuring out how to “friend” better. We had a good week. we shared some laughs and talked. it was nice, and I hope it keeps going. I love her, and I just want to see her happy and smiling, she has the most beautiful smile. Even if I can’t put it there, I want her to have that smile still.
For me, it is staying my course. Improving the things I let go. Enjoying everyday. Trying to always fight the fight, and be a good person. I just try to make the best of this all, and I figure if I can get through this “round 2, minus one major thing”. it is a test on what I have fixed.
P.S. – I know in my last post, I called Angel her former pet name. I re read and noticed, and I referred to myself diffrently. I was going to edit it, then decided not too. It was obviously how I felt.