I still listen to 46 and 2 alot. I have used it like an anthem for changing myself, everyday I feel better and better. Even after yesterday, being laid off, I feel good and strong. It is strange after being in such a shitty place, self imposed, how I can feel the positive again.
Angel has been a major part of that. I don’t know if she intended to be this much or not. But she has, she has been awesome about just talking to me, hanging out when we can and even intimate. I feel more confident with her again, in every way, including intamacy. That was something that even the last time I visited her, i was doubting myself with intamacy in a weird way, and I feel none of that anymore.
But, the phrase of that song “soften this old armor” keeps replaying in my head. Armor, but nature is defensive. In fact that is all armor is, defense. When I first met Angel, I had armor like an M-1 Abrahms Tank emotionally. I was in full emotinoal self defense mode.
Then, I let it all drop for her, all of it. I confided evey single thing I felt to her, my hopes and dreams, everything. I was doing great, finally able to open up totally to someone. Then, things got hard, and like a weird transformer, I put the armor back up. That armor cost me Angels hand, and I when I finally decided to make changes, I knew my armor was a problem.
Armor is great when it is needed, and even as a deterrent. But, the downside of armor is that if you are totally sealed inside the protective shell of the armor, and the fire comes from with i n that shell, you can’t get out and the armor becomes a death trap. I needed to soften my armor.
Soften it, or make it more adaptive. I was so wide open emotionally when things hit, that I didn’t just block out the things I should have, I blocked everything and everyone, most importantly Angel. It was a deathtrap when the fire finally started from inside.
Now, I feel like I can make it more adaptive, use it when I need it, and put it away when I don’t. I also have been better abut how and when I need it, and not using it when I don’t. So, I am developing armor for my emotions that is adaptive to the situation, and I am only deploying it when I need to, and not for a moment too long, before I pack it away.
It was horrible living in that shell, I remember my last visit with Angel, I wanted to talk to her about everything inside me so bad, I wanted to out it all. But instead, I kissed her and went to sleep. I was afraid, I used to think I was afraid of how Angel would see me, but I know now I was more afraid of seeing myself as I was weak and feckless and not who I wanted to be.
I deployed it at the wrong time and it was too thick. Right then and there, in that moment when she was lying next to me, I could have said everything I felt, and begged her to help me and for forgiveness, and I threw the walls up, and left her on the outside to fend for herself.
It has been almost 3 months since I lost her as my girlfriend and submissive. But it has been 5 minutes since I talk to the person who has been there for me non stop, Angel. She is still there, and even as a friend I am appreciating, confiding, sharing, and being unafraid to be me. She is letting me still enjoy her company, and still dealing with my goofy humor. I do love her, maybe more now than ever. It maybe very different, but it is front and center always in my heart.
The days keep getting brighter, better. Even with the hardshps of Covid and the job loss, I feel stronger than I have in 1.5 years, I feel like I have my swagger back more and more everyday, I did that, I fought hard. I had support from Angel, but I had to put the work in. I did, and I am so happy that heartache and tears didn’t amount to nothing.
“See my shadow changing, Stetching up and over me. Soften this old armor, Hoping I can clear the way, by stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side.”