I can almost hear the whitle and the referee yelling “Offsides” when I am about to say something to Angel, that I really can’t anymore. If I was her boyfriend, yes, but as a friend I cannot. So, like a player getting ahead of the puck (hockey refrence) I have to hold up, and let the puck cross the line first and stay onsides.
I have been trying hard to maintan the boundaries of our new friendship. It is sometimes hard to reject my gut instinct of 3 years to push on her to do something I think she needs to do, but I have been double checking my words (mostly) before I say it when situations arise that I would like to give my input on.
See, when Angel was just my girlfriend, I could push a little more in the conversation. When Angel was my submissive, I could push alot more. Now, she is neither, and I have to keep my friend brain in control. It is still hard, when you love someone so much to not jump to their aid in the same way.
Angel injued herself a few days ago. Now, it is not life threatening, and not ALOT can be done until it heals, but causing her alot of pain. Angel tried to “tuff it out”, as she always does. You see, Angel hates anyone to see her in pain or seem weak. She hates to ever give the appearance that she needs help. It has always been her way, I marvel at her strenght, but I always wanted to be able to help her more, because she didn’t want it or need it. But because she deserved it.
So, as I talked to Angel today, and we discussed how bad the pain was, I asked her to go to the doctor. Angel knows medicine, and knows doctors well and what they could do to help professionally. She is the first one to push me to go when it is bad, and I always know when she is telling me it is time. Angel, on the other hand, refuses to go unless she is literally falling apart. It always struct me as a funny double standard.
So, today when she admitted the amount of pain she was in, I told her my wishes for her to go, but obviously I wanted to be more stern for her well being, but couldn’t. Honestly, I wanted to call her and say “Stop, put your pride aside and listen to me. Go get that looked at for your sake, so you don’t suffer anymore. I know you are tough as nails and don’t need help, but you deserve it, so fucking go!”
I knew she proably wasn’t going to go when she changed up subjects, not once but twice. So, now all I can do is wait and hope. Angel has always been a handful (literally and figurtively, but when she hurt, she is double that to try and get her to get help. So, I sit patiently and hope that she does, I hate seeing her hurt.
(Side Note – I am keeping a tally per post on how many times I referred to Angel as “Kitten” and had to delete and retype. It was only 4 times. lol