Matyrdom = Self Desctruction

So, by Definition being a martyr is to die rather then denounce your religion. So, the title of the article may seem redundent. But, I am speaking about the way we commonly use the phrase “being a martyr”. One who sacrifices them self, rather than dealing with something that is more beneficial to themself, or making someone else handle their business. It also is used when someone just “does something” or “Sucks it up” versus standing up for how they feel. All of these actions fall under the common use of martyr and it creates so much inner conflict.

I was martyr for a long time. In a pervous relationship before Angel, for the last several years I was in it. I would just “do” whatever it was because I had this belief that I was “supposed” to be doing it. I wasn’t a weak person, but I also am one who believes that you should give your all, even if it is too much of yourself.

Prior to Angel, my efforts were hardly apprecaited. All of the self sacrificing in the world was deemed part of “what I should be doing” versus what was actually good for me. I felt that my strength was in the ability to carry the load everyday, instead of standing up for myself and calling out my limits to things. I was strong in all the wrong places.

In the beginning of my relationship with Angel, I didn’t have to do that as she showed me I didn’t have to worry about being honest about how I felt. I got good at it too, even if my delivery wasn’t always the best. I always felt like if I didn’t like someting, I would say it. Angel, more often than not, would hear me out and we would take steps from there.

When I started to draw away, last year, one of the first things I started to do was to “suck things up” when I didn’t like something that was going on with Angel. Partly was because her circumstances didn’t have much “wiggle room” and I couldn’t help her in person. So, I stopped pushing as I felt I was being cumbersome to her situation, instead I was just trying to support whatever she decided, and that only made it worse.

Also, she was more stressed in her day to day, and when we would discuss something I wasn’t happy about, it would upset her more (understandable given her curcumstances) and I would then let things go. It wasn’t her being more upset that was the problem, it was me not staying the course of being honest, and feeling like a burden to her more and more. So, I would “Suck things up” and be upset by it.

I also started to do it outside of our relationship. Letting people push boundaries at work and personally. Not standing up where I should have, because I just kind of didn’t care outside of Angel. Another enormous mistake, as I was given people more control over my life than I had, because I didn’t want to fight.

I also saw Angel starting to do the same type of reactions with me. I had see her do it before to others, saying things like “it’s fine, I will just adjust” and “I don’t get what I want”. I think that made me upset at myself when she felt that way because I was the cause, and be more inclined to self impose more of a burden than I should have taken, and in all the wrong ways.

It wasn’t that she was saying “I will do it” it was that I was forcing her to that decsion. So I started to be more of a martyr and let more go for the sake of ease . I didn’t stop her, or myself and say “No, neither of us wants it like this, so lets figure out one that works for us”. Instead I wold say “Ok whatever you want” and hope the issue went away even though I wasn’t keen on whatever “it” was at the tme. When SHE actually spoke up and told e things, I also didn’t react and that led her to become more of “I will just suck it up”, and we stopped communicating the same.

It was never big things, it always seemed like bigger life issues would seem to rock me back to the midset I should have been in. It was all the small things. Day to day things, that in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter. But, I would “suck them up” to “take the pressure of her” and just let it nibble a little away. It was truly “death by a thousand papercuts” for both of us.

She didn’t want me to just agree, but I wanted to just end whatever the little issue was for her and me, so we could move on . But I would then just hold on to this ball of anger inside of me, at myself, for not being more assertive with her and honest like I had been. I wasn’t helping her, I was just keeping the peace and thinking that was helpful. It was foolish.

It eventually put me in a place that angel couldn’t be with me. Not as a submissive, not as a girlfriend and something not even a friend. It was a bg factor in me having the most loving and devoted woman, and pushed her to sleeping the day away, instead of talking. Drawing her emotions away. Being constantly angry at me, instead of adoring me. I pushed, until she had to give up on me as her “Safe space” and her man. I pushed her, until she could take no more. It wasn’t the only factor, but it was a big one.

It was another thing on my list of things I have to fix and improve. It is another mistake, I will not allow myself to make again. No matter what, I have to never slide down that path. I let it destroy me once, and I can not do it again.

~S.L.

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