A lot has been happening over the past few weeks, I am under quarintine for the Covid-19 virus, work has been crazy as a result of the covid-19 virus and life has been a whirl wind.
Kitten has been still taking care of me, everyday. Checking on how I feel, and was the one who convinced me to go to the hopsital and get checked after I learned of an exposure to Covid at work. She has been amazing.
Kitten has always been amazing, from day 1, that was why I fell in love with her. That is why I lusted after her. That is why she became all that is good in my life, even when things where dark and hard for me, she was always that light and warmth,
We had been talking, more and more. I have tried really hard not to pressure or push, but when the women you want everything with is right there, it is sometimes hard not too push for it all back. I tried agian two nights ago.
Kitten was waching “It 2”. Kitten loves her horror movies, and watches them all the time. She loves the stress of it, the jumps and well everything about them. But she actually said she was scared, which I don’t think she had ever said that about a movie in 3 years.
I sent her 2 pictures of me and told her I was right there is she needed me. Yeah, as she and I discussed the next day (and I denied at first) I was reaching, hoping for her to see me and feel comfort and maybe feel more. I still hope and want her to feel that way about me, as I do for her. She pretty much stopped talking shortly after and went to bed.
Yestderday we started texting when I woke up. We started talking about her being horny, and we just discussed moving forward, and she said that she would feel guilty still. I admitted that it is in no way even close to a thought for me, and it isn’t. We also discussed how she could probably never submit again, and how I know I probably couldn’t take another submissive.
Kitten then tore into me about the picture the night before, and how I was still pushing. I tried to claim it was a reflex, it sort of was, but I knew what I was trying to push. She continued to tear into me about how this was my problem, I always wanted more than being happy with what I had. How, if I kept pushing, I was going to push her friendship away too, and have nothing with her. She said how if there is ever a chance for us in the future, however slight, I need to just be a friend right now and live day to day.
She was right. That was my biggest problem over the last year, it has been well documented. I had always wanted to give her everything I thought she deserved, and I wanted it now. So much so, that I spent so much time focusing on it, and then being angry that I couldn’t do it right now, I didn’t appreciate the everyday.
I know how I let myself get there. When I first met Kitten, before submission, she was this strong, beautiful, sexy and smart woman. She still is, that isn’t even a question. But, through all of that, as I learned her story, I saw all of the things she had went through in life. They were all part of what made her who she was, as all of our stories make us who we are.
The more I fell for her, the more I wanted to give to her. I still watched, unable to change anything, horrible things happen to her. I swore to myself, I would take her away from all of that, and what I couldn’t protect her from, I would be her safe place to move past it with her. This was all before she submitted.
When she did submit, and I took her as my Kitten, that fueled that drive in me to close the distance, and take her away to the place she deserved. I put this unneeded pressure on my self as “Sir” to shield her from any hardships, and fix everything. I set myself up to fail, as it led to me feeling like I wasn’t enough. I didn’t do enough, and ultimatley, it cost me Kitten.
I knew when she said she was taking off her collar, I was also losing the love of my life. Kitten had told me numerous times how she didn’t know if she could live the long distance relationship without the submission and dominance. It is also why I panicked, I wasn’t just losing Kitten, I was losing my “Angel”.
She was and is my Angel, well before Kitten existed, she was saving me from so much. Loving me, supporting me and making sure I knew how important and loved I was. Angel, was my saving grace, my happiness, my true love.
Angel was the one who buit this with me, Angel was the one who carried me when I was sad. Angel was the one who motivated me when I needed, and Angel was the one who celebrated my victories. Angel was there from day one, and she still is today. Maybe not as my girlfriend, surely not as a submissive, but she is the woman I fell in love with.
That spitfire of strength and beauty, the funniest and most amazing person I know. She was the foundation of our love, not Kitten. If I took care of her. If I lived in the moments and days with her, not focused on what I didn’t do or couldn’t do, than Kitten and Sir would have flourished without issue.
I don’t have Kitten anymore, but I have my Angel. She still loves me everyday, and cares for me and reminds me of who I am. I lost Kitten, and I can say today that she is probably gone forever. But I have my Angel, everyday. I miss Kitten, she was amazing and and she was an incredible submissive. But, I have lived without her for several months now. I can’t live without my Angel.
I am living everyday trying to be me, to take care of me. I have made some changes, and started to treat myself better. I actually bought myself a few things, which Angel pointed out I hardly ever do, is take care of me, spoil myself, enjoy myself.
What has also changed, is my dream as I fall asleep. I used to dream of getting to my Kitten, I used to beat myself up over it. Now, my dream is different. I want to love Angel. I want to be with her, but I just want to do small things. I just want her in my life and give her what she give me, which is love and support.
Kitten is no more, I know that. I have mourned her, and I have let her go. Angel, she is still here, and she always was. I am going to be thankful and nurture our friendship. I also want spend forever with Angel, I want too, even if that is so far a way and a giant “maybe”. But, She still makes me want to be a better person, and share every moment with her. I want to, still, get old with her. My Angel, she is still the woman who made me love and believe again. I still see myself taking care of her, in the future, and I can see how happy we cold be.
“To my Kitten, I am sorry I mistreated you. I am sorry I didn’t give you what you needed, I am sorry I wasn’t the Sir I could have been, the Sir you deserved. You deserved so much better. But now, I have to move on and be a better person. I can’t hold on to you in my heart the way I have been , I can’t continue to reach for you, because you are so far gone now. I have an Angel in my life, and even only in friendship, she deserves to have the best version of me, because that is what I get from her. Holding on to you, cant let me be that version of me.
I also deserve the best version of me. She was always the one I loved first, she is my first and third love, and you know what that means. I don’t know if this is good bye forever, I hope not, but it has to be good bye for now, at least. I can’t focus too hard on the future anymore, dreams I will keep, but I can not mentally live in a place where I am not existing in yet. I exist today, Angel exists today, and the love we have for each other exists today. I need to let that guide me an fufill me.
So, Kitten, Look up at me one more time, look up, see my face. Know how much I love you, how much you gave me. Know everything you mean and meant to me. Let me brush your cheek and kiss your forehead one more time. You may have taken your collar off long ago, but I didn’t release you in my heart until now.
Maybe we will see each other in the future, maybe we won’t. But, just know, you will always have a speacial place there in my heart that will always be yours. But I need to reserve the rest of it for me, for life and, yes, for Angel.
But, if you ever need that safe space, that place to run too, even if only for a few moments to find your safe place, I will always avail myself to you. I will always give you that time when you ask for it, and after you can walk away when the feeling passes again. I devoted myself to you, and I will always honor that devotion, even if I have to let it go for now, it will always be there for you.
Goodbye, My beautiful Kitten, I love you and I always will.”