I never really understood the term “fighting yourself” or “fighting myself” before December 2018. That was when my life started to take so many turns, and I was so convinced I could handle it all, and not break. I was so sure, because I felt I HAD to handle it, I felt like I had Kitten and others so dependant on me, that I had to just be the stone. For Kitten, I felt I had to be this unbreakable rock, this steady ship.
In reality, I had started to flail quickly, because I was so afraid to share my feelings and have Kitten doubt me, her or us. I was like this balloon filling with stress, sadness and self disappointment. Things were hard for Kitten, things were hard for me and hard for us. I figured I would take it all in, inflate the balloon until I felt it was ok to release it. I thought I just had to be a normal balloon, when in reality, I would have had to have been the size of a hot air balloon to absorb it all and not pop.
Life is a merciless bitch. It will keep testing your will, your sanity and your inner strength. No matter what, it is relentless and rough. If you don’t use all of your resources, namely the one you love and supports you and a few others you trust.
I remember the first time the balloon started to fill, it was about a week before my surgery, and Kitten was worried. She wanted to be here so bad, and couldn’t. She wanted me to have the surgery back home, and I couldn’t. This was before I knew anything else that happened in the next few weeks. I was also worried about me, if the surgery didn’t go well, there was so many issues that could come out of it.
That balloon filled and filled over the next few months. I kept fighting myself internally as it did. “You aren’t doing enough, you didn’t move fast enough, you are letting her down, you are letting everyone down”. But then Kitten would call or text and I was like “Yeah, everything is fine. It is just a bump, no big”. I was lying, it was a big deal.
That balloon eventually gets full, and you need to release the pressure so it doesn’t pop. But you don’t want to release it all at once, and make that horrible balloon noise like a whoopie cushion. So you just eek a little out here and there, or so you think.
That “eek” comes out as anger and distance to those who know you. That’s what Kitten got. She felt I was just angry, and then distant. I was, I was angry and distant, no matter how much I denied it. I was angry at me, and distant because I didn’t want to show her I was broken. That fight just continued, stupidly. I had the perfect partner to help me, and i didn’t even try. Hence, the distant feeling.
I wanted too. I can remember how many times I was fighting with myself, and I would scream in my inner monologue to just tell her, ask for the help. Cry, kick, scream with her. But, I would then turn and look at myself and tell myself to “man up”.
I am a strong man, I have strong personality. I like to be in charge, and I like to do things the way I see it. But, with Kitten, I always discussed my choices and decisions. I valued (and still do, very much) her opinion. She is the smartest person I know, and that is absolutely true. But when I started to fight me, I was caught in this inner turmoil I was afraid to bring her in too, because I didn’t think she deserved it, I ignored that she wanted it. She wanted to help and let her love me.
Why? You may ask. Why was it so hard. Well, I had never felt this way. I had never been so desperate to fix things. I had never been so physically sore, and tired. I had never had this amount of stress and worry. I had never let my personality break. I lost me, and I was fighting myself about it.
I kept trying to release the pressure in the balloon. But, it was glimpses of “ok” and then the distance and perceived anger. I was 100% my own worst enemy. But I was also the enemy of our relationship and trust, which is worse. Because if I had not fought “us”, I would have figured it all out faster and maybe still have my Kitten.
I have learned so much, too little, too late I am afraid. That part I will always have a hard time with. I do want it all back, every day. But, I know where I am now. I know where she is now and it isn’t an option. It doesn’t change my approach to fixing myself, and it can’t.
So, please, hear my words. If you ever find yourself in that position where you don’t recognize yourself, and you are fighting yourself internally and feeling like you aren’t good enough, TELL SOMEONE.
Talk to your better half, friends, family even one of those websites where you are anonymous and you can vent. But, do it before that inner fight costs you so much more than it is worth. I can tell you, once you decide to face it and fight to get yourself back, everything else starts to feel better.
I feel more and more ‘like me”, and thought about things I havent thought if in a while. I know I won’t get 100% for a long time, and I know that I probably will never feel that full 100% without my Kitten. But, I will still strive for it, even though I had never felt more alive then when I had my Kitten.
I really hope someone out there learns from this all. I like writing about it more and more as i figure myself out. If you are in a position like I was and am, talk and talk and talk. Don’t be afraid to go to a therapist, or if you can (and I wished I had) tell that loved one. Don’t be shamed, because if they love you, they want you better too.
Reclaim your inner Strength,
**footnote** I realized today I write more in the days I miss her alot. I Just realized that. I have written like 10 posts that are still on drafts and I wrote them all when I was missing her over the last month. It is an interesting self observation.