I knew she had felt bad for what I was going through. I knew she felt bad ending our relationship, I also know she needed to for her. To protect her, to keep her from spiralling down and be able to use her strength to lift herself up.
I guess, I didn’t think she would feel guilty. I know Kitten better than anyone, I know that is a fair statement. With that knowledge, I know once Kitten makes up her mind, she usually has thought through every part of it, every angle and outcome. It is just how her brain works, I have always loved it about her, it means anything she says more often than not, had a lot of thinking behind it.
We had been talking pretty normal the last few days. Not normal as a couple, but as people. It is nice, to just chat and make jokes and discuss our day. There was almost a month where we barely talked, and I missed her so much. We argued, but we didn’t just talk. So, for me, it is lifting a weight just to chat like people.
We were talking about one of my many ailments last night, and she quipped “At least that was there before me, so I don’t have to feel guilty about it”. I told her she shouldn’t feel guilty about anything at all, to which she replied “There is plenty”. I asked her to explain and she said “You’re hurting, and I hate it. things are fucked up so it makes me feel bad”.
I didn’t want to press further. I know she had “guilt”, she isn’t a sociopath or anything of the sort. But, I guess I didn’t think about how guilty she felt, I just knew she felt “bad”. I also try not to read into anything like this too much. I know that she doesn’t have relationship feelings for me anymore, and I know she loves me as person. So it make sense there is still some guilt, because as a person she doesn’t want to feel me hurting.
I told her I wish I could lift the guilt, and I do. I told her that I wished that I could lift that guilt. The more I look back, the more I see how much of herself she gave to me. How much she loved me, how much she was trying to fix what was wrong with me. She loved me, even when she lost all emotions that were attached to our relationship. She still gave me love and support, and I didn’t really deserve it. Maybe, I still don’t, but she is still right there making sure I am ok.
I hate to see her hurt over anything with us, but I know that is like wishing the rain away. It is going to happen, and it will naturally change into whatever it was meant too.
I still miss her, constantly. But I am to the point that I am happy to take any part of her I can get, because she is an amazing woman. She is a strong and awesome woman. She always gave great advice and support. She is a person I do need in my life, and I am so thankful.
She called late last night while running to the store, and it made me smile. Hearing her voice always makes me happy. I know she had been studying all day, and for her to take a break and call me instead of just relax, it fills my heart.
It isn’t like it adds false hope to our future, because in my heart, that hope will always be there in my heart. But, it does show me I still have her friendship and part of her loves me, and that carries me so much further than I can explain. I am grateful for her, she still takes care of me, she still has that huge and beautiful heart I always loved and admired.