It has been a crazy few days schedule wise, which is why I haven’t really had a chance to write. Nothing to crazy, just aot of this and that. Overall, I do feel better. I am sure there is a couple of reasons, but I also know it is the totality of things.
For starters, Kitten and I have been talking very normally. Not “relationship” normal, but just talking more and more. I forgot how much talking to her, just to talk, really makes my day better. She and I just get along, we have the same humor and view a lot of things the same way. It is just nice to have reconnected in a lot of ways.
I have also got to see her beautiful face twice in the last two days. I hadn’t seen her in over a month really. I can’t explain how that makes me feel. Again, I know where we stand, but she really is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and that doesn’t change.
The picture thing became a rub the last few months. I was asking everyday, because I was missing her. She got upset one time and said “I always send one at night, why do you keep asking”. I just said I was sorry to badger her, what I should have said was “because you are smoking hot, and I hate not seeing you all the time, because in the off chance you forget I wouldn’t get too see you, and not seeing you makes my day suck”
More recently, she said a month ago when I asked essentially “No” and that she didn’t feel like being seen and she would send one when she did. I knew she was upset, and I surely wasn’t in a place to argue, now should I have at that point. But, I am thankful now, just the same. Hopefully it also means she if feeling better about life too.
I talked to a friend this week about everything going on in my life. He felt bad, as he said he didn’t realize I had so much. I explained losing Kitten and then my last year letting myself go and screwing so much up.
He got upset at Kitten, and I defended her. He said he thought it was selfish of her to walk away when I was having such a hard time and compared it to someone leaving a loved one with a cancer diagnosis. I defended Kitten, as I do disagree. I explained, quite clearly, everything I did wrong over the last year plus, and how I pushed her to this instead of bringing her in further. How I absolutely didn’t give her the chance to help, and pushed her out.
It was nice of him, but i also know people who are close will get emotionally charged for “your cause”. It is a caring and loving thing we do for each other, even if it isn’t rational. I did probably get more upset to defend Kitten than I needed too, but that emotion is still there for her, that love. I don’t think it will ever go away, and I am ok with that, surely.
I told Kitten about the conversation, and she asked if I thought she was selfish. I said no, and she told me not to “Baby” her. It is funny how she said that, because she knew I held back a little. It was also nice, that she pushed a little. I missed that, because i definitely would even fight myself to say anything negative about her or her actions.
I told her that I didn’t think she was a selfish person, and I don’t. I think she had to make decisions that were in nature selfish, but not selfish acts per se. They were in need to protect herself from that I was doing, and my actions forced her hand. It was self preservation, versus doing it to hurt me. So I don’t view them as selfish, overtly, but but definition.
It actually felt nice to be able to explain that, I know she got a little upset over the “cancer” comment my friend said, but I also know that wasn’t what was in her heart. So, she can get upset at him, but I know why she did it and her reasons. I don’t feel like she abandoned me, I felt like she had to save herself. She has others who depend on her, including herself that she has to be able to care for. She tried with me for over a year, and it wore her out to the point she had nothing left to give. She talk and tried and I resisted. I can’t blame her, and I won’t.
I have been lighter and more upbeat through it all. I am sure talking helps, especially a lot of things I kept in. I also think that all of this has focused me on being better for me. I know it probably is more obvious to Kitten and everyone else. I can see it in me and I am glad. I don’t feel “100%” me, and who knows when or if that happens.
I have to say that having Kitten just talk to me, more and more, has been a life saver. I have always felt amazing talking to her, no matter what was going on. She always gives sound advice, great insight and she has a sense of humor that can not be matched. She spent years making my days better, and she is doing it again. I am thankful for that, I want to tell her all the time, but I don’t want to inundate her with it too. I know she knows, but I want her to always know how much I still love and appreciate her.
My second round of therapy is today, in a short amount of time actually. I don’t know exactly what it will entail, but I am looking forward to it. I guess I know it is a chance to talk and vent again, and apparently that has done me well. The therapist seems to comprehend everything, and isn’t too judgy, lol. that seems to help too. We will see