So, the last few weeks with everything between Kitten and I, I haven’t been talking about much unrelated to us with her. To be frank and honest, I didn’t really care about too much else. I was just focusing on us, because I was still trying to save something.
Now that we are back to being just friends, I am starting to share more. Maybe it is acceptance, maybe it is that the veil of all I have been trying to “deal with myself” has been dropped. Either way, today I definitely felt more like myself talk to her. It is nice to feel that, it is nice to just talk to her and not try and argue.
She called on her way to work, and then discussed how casual it was and is this the new normal, like we don’t share the emotions and we just talk about out day. I don’t want that, because to me that is another divide between us, another gap. I want her to know she can talk to me about anything, and I want to be able to do the same. I was trying to give a little time and space giving all that’s happened given the intensity of the last few weeks. Just be us, just enjoy chatting and just talk.
She said she should’t have brought it up because she was the one who needed things different, that she needed the space. I asked her to give it more than the first few days. We can figure out how to be us, and be best friends, and I want NOTHING more than to talk to her and get her advice, but I don’t want to push anymore buttons or cross lines in the process. It doesn’t mean we can not do it, it just means we have to figure out how.
We started as friends and confiding in each other, and as I said yesterday, I don’t want to be just friends, but if I am still lucky enough to have the title as friend, I want to be the best at it for her that I can. She is still the most important person to me, and I want to show her that if nothing else she has an ear to bend and a shoulder to cry on. If I give her nothing else ever again, I want to be able to give her that.
I did drop “I love you” on her again, I hope that doesn’t blow up on me. I hope she understands I am trying and that part to let go is so hard, even to just stop saying the words, because she knows what’s in my heart.
It really sounds like she is asking too much of you and isnt being reasonable. I’ve read the last few posts and you are very hard on yourself.
I appreciate the comment and your feedback. I guess I can see your point. But, I did agree to much of our life together knowing the responsibility. I promised her I could meet that responsibility. I also think if I had be more transparent during my hardships, it would have alleviated alot. I al still trying to work through it all.
I do appreciate it, very much so.
And just as a follow up, I wanted all of it and I still do. She is that amazingly important to me. She is amazing. I just needed to communicate better and I think alot would have been different. There was other things on my end I needed to work on too. She is and always would he worth it.
I understand what you’re saying and I’m not pretending to know about your relationship or what was going on with it entirely. But from what you have shared and my personal experience with doms and men in general it’s a rare thing to openly admit fault and wrong doing. You are beating yourself up repeatedly for no reason. It’s clear you’re a good man with good intentions and you should go easier on yourself. That’s the only way you can heal and move forward.
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Thank you. I am trying to heal myself. And move forward. I’m trying to fix the issues that I have and strengthen myself and resolve.
I hate that it came to this. I hate that I let it happen to us. And part of getting there is surely accepting.
But losing her, as much as I had woth her and what I want really sucks.
So its alot to figure out. I love her. I always will. Letting her down is one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with.
Thank you again for your words. It is appreciated
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