I woke up yesterday and decided I needed to change some things back I let slide over the year. With all I need to do, I surely have let some parts of me go. The first thing, my attitude.
I used to have a “no fucks given” attitude for everyone that didn’t deserve a fuck to be given. I seriously would call anyone out, anywhere and at anytime. Several things had stopped that, and I started just stewing on things. Even with Kitten, then instead what came out was actual anger when I was pushed to far.
With Kitten, my “No Fucks Given” was more about honesty. I was never rude, but i would be direct and straight forward about my opinions. I would try to give her solid advice, but in a manner that contained no pussy footing.
Everyone else, got the proverbial booth to the mouth. I still wasn’t rude, but I would just be unfiltered. With Kitten, there was a natural filter of love that even when I was direct, it was still shrouded in covered with love. Everyone else, got the size 10 to the mouth.
It lead to a lot of, lets say, colorful interactions. In work, out of work, at the gas station or where ever I was. I just told people who it was. Kitten used to get upset with me when I did it in certain situations, because she felt (and she was right) that it was dangerous. She does it to a point as well, but she is more pleasant when she tells someone to fuck off.
So I guess I started to dial it back a little for her, then my knee got worse, and I knew if someone stepped up, I couldn’t fight as well. the surgery took that to a new level, and that chip on my shoulder slowly melted into a blubbery substance. Maybe it was the realization that I was getting older, and maybe I wasn’t as ready as I thought. But, it lead to that self confidence in that specific part of my personality start to wilt.
I am still a caged dog at times, and now I will bark more. I guess the not barking didn’t make the aggravation of the situation go away, it just mean that I was getting angrier instead of unloading it, being done with it, and moving on. That was the guy before I became angry and shitty, and I deserve to let that free.