I crafted my own purgatory, this place where I wait in an expiatory state. Waiting outside the gates where my heaven lies, staring inside and trying to find the key to the lock that was now there, andThe lock I forged with her pain.
I can see inside, I can see her and I can see her smile. I can see her happiness. I can see that look in her emerald eyes. I feel the warmth of her heart and her love. I can see where I belong next to her, her arm around my thigh as she looks up and I take in all of her with my eyes. I can feel her heart racing, excited, as it thumps against my leg. I can see where my arm belongs around her holding her to me.
Now I stand outside the heaven I created with her. Fighting and hoping for a break in that lock so I can go back to where I belong, loving her, caring for her, protecting her and being her safest place. Letting her know she can trust me with her heart, now more than ever.
I know, now, how to be better at it. How to avoid the pitfalls of self doubt and silence. I ache to be inside, to show that I care more for her and her heart now more than ever. How I will not repeat my mistake, I will not ever make her feel alone and abandoned again. It isn’t almost losing her that triggered it, it was seeing how much pain I caused her. How I betrayed her heart and left her feeling abandoned.
I am still shedding the scab that grew over me, but I am fighting harder than ever to show her I am the man she deserves, her happiness. I can be the wolf again, protecting her from everything and letting her rest in the safety of my arms and in my heart.
As I stare inside, shaking the gate, I can feel the heat behind me of the hell I created. Its flames upon me, my skin is hot, the pain is real, but I will not be deterred, I will not go back in, I will leave that hell behind me, and fight for her, for us. I will get through this locked gate and never look back.