You’re Mine – Disturbed

I always think of Kitten when I hear this song by Disturbed

You see, When I met Kitten I was at the lowest point of my life. I had some good in my life (my kids), but I was struggling everywhere else. I was in a loveless marriage, I was (in my mind) aging, I knew I was barrelling to a divorce at breakneck speed. I was living in a place with no support system, and no one to turn too. I was in dire straights, I always figured post divorce me would be sitting alone in a dank apartment waiting for my kids to come back from their mothers, probably drinking and just otherwise, lifeless.

Then, I met Kitten. Yeah, she wasn’t Kitten at first. But she was very much in the same situation that I was in. Neither one of was “looking”, but we found someone to confide in and honestly we were just enjoying each other, offering support and just talking, at first.

In a short time, we both knew where we were headed. For me, it was an awakening like no other. Kitten loved me, supported me and let me know I was worth trying for. She carried me when I was down, and reminded me of the strength I forgot I had. She made me laugh, feel like a 20 year old and mostly, I felt a love that I hadn’t felt ever.

I like to think I did much of the same for her. We just connected, like our hearts were aligned. We had so many bad things happen in our individual lives, that running to each other and having that happiness was the escape from it all. We both brought a level of happiness that was immeasurable. But, mostly, we both felt we found what was missing.

We started down the D/s road naturally, too. I was definitely the dominant bedroom presence and she naturally fell into the submissive. It still is the most natural and amazing love that there is. We were addicted to each other and this new “role” we were going down. We sparked each other inside the bedroom, outside and beyond.

I say it all the time, she saved me. I may have be the “Dom” but she was my guardian angel. She swept me away from a life I thought I would just rot away in, and reminded me life was worth living.

I know things are tough between her and I right now. I am trying to learn to be patient, but who could not want all of that back? Especially when the pain now is so much, to have that rush of perfect back would be beyond words.

When we talked the other day, she mentioned “I know you, you would take it (being Sir and having her in my collar again) back right now if I offered”. I told her honestly, that no I wouldn’t. I may have done it before, but this time I came so close to losing ALL of her, that I want to earn it back I want her to see everything I am and can be. I want her to crave to put it back on, not only for the comfort, but because she can not live without it.

Nothing more would make me happier than to have her collar on now, except, letting her see why it will be the best choice she could ever make. To let her know, she can trust me. I will never abandon her again emotionally, and is worth every bit of pain now for a life of happiness together.

She said “you are only changing because it effects you” last week, and she is right, but it isn’t that easy. Because I know the happiness I can and have given her, and I want her to feel that everyday again. I was in this horrible circle of mental hell, that I only wanted to change and fix for her, to keep her in my life, to show her that even when I doubt myself, she is always going to be worth the fight. She will always be my Kitten, and I will never let it get this hard again, because she deserves happiness everyday, and I know I can give it to her.

S.L.

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