Obviously before I start. I know that every relationship and reasons people fall in love is different and an individual experience. I also know that, often, when a submissive give themselves to a dominant, it is steeped in love and also an individual experience. That being said, here is my thoughts on a Dominant and their confidence.
I think that, for the submissive, the confidence is why they noticed you, engaged you, dated you, fell in love with you and submitted to you. It wasn’t that you were a flawless being, it was that you accepted your flaws, you accepted their flaws and that you were going to be confident enough to reassure them that no matter how hard it got, you were going to take care of them and their heart.
But what happens when that confidence is shook? Let me tell you first hand. As a Dom, you feel it. There may not be that one incident that sets it off, but you almost feel like you strength is sapped. However you got here, you are here and wondering how and why. I think the why is the key, “WHY” first and then the how presents itself.
Why did you lose confidence? For me, I think I stopped feeling effective for Kitten. That was why, I felt like I couldn’t “fix” certain things, so I must just not be good in general. Because I see her fighting every day, “I try and help, it doesn’t work, I must suck at this”.
That was the why, plain and simple. Kitten would tell me I was doing great. She would reassure me that I was. But I couldn’t “see” it, and for whatever reason I assumed that meant it wasn’t helping, and I was sucking.
Then, when your confidence shakes because you feel like you are failing the one you swore to protect and love, you just spiral. You try to make up in other ways, you try to act like you are “ok” because you don’t want to scare your submissive. You feel like “now I have too protect them from my problems”. You essentially are emotionally cheat on them with yourself in this odd and self destructive way.
I knew when I felt it, that I should have talked. I was so ignorant. But I wanted to seem confident for Kitten, because I knew it gave her a piece of mind and calm. I also knew, and ignored, she could see right through my act. She knew I was “off” and she even told me. But, false confidence was chosen.
I was trying to work it out in my head, I really was. I went over all the “hows” repeatedly. On the nights Kitten would go to be frustrated at life, I would feel like I failed her. On the days she was sick, and I couldn’t help care for her like i knew she would for me, I felt like I failed her. I wasn’t confident enough to realize that she just needed me to be there to talk most of the time, and love her and just let her know it will be ok.
It is amazing how quickly you can go from feeling like the most confident person ever to nothing. I remember giving Kitten her first collar, her day collar, we had a little private ceremony. It was so loving and beautiful There was so much love in the room, you could have tasted it.
Then when I gave her the training collar, seeing how proud she was as she knelt and lifted her hair for me to put it on. I felt like the strongest and most confident man on the planet.
For those who may not understand, these moments were not about achieving power over her. It was about taking love,trust, dedication and devotion to a new level. It was to give her heart, mind, body and soul to me for the love she knew I would give back. She trusted that, no matter what, I would take care of her and turn to her just the same.
Yes, we absolutely add the “S/m” part as well. I would leave marks and Kitten would wear them like a badge of honor. Both of us loving to see them on her. Both of us loving how the marks ended up on her. Both of us loving every bit of each other in ways we never thought possible.
Then, the confidence drifts. A little at first, then more and more. It seems like at that point you are looking for your failures and expecting them. Not from your submissive, but from yourself. You “know” that if that one “thing” happened again, you couldn’t help because you didn’t the last 5 times, all the while forgetting that maybe you didn’t help the right way the previous 4 times.
So, you focus on your failures, and are expecting yourself to fail them. No words or actions by anyone can fix a self condemned person in that way.
I know when we first met, Kitten saved me from feeling useless and without a future. But now, I am failing the person who saved me from that, how can I ask her to do it again? How do I explain I feel horrible, and not have her think it is her fault. How do you tell the one you are so devoted too “I need help”.
Just like that, “I need help”. Say it early, say it confidently. It isn’t a failure or weakness, you are seeking how to be a better Dom for your sub, a better love for them and you. Say that, say those words, “I want to be better for you”. Don’t wait until you almost lose it all before you are forced to admit it, because then it seems like you are just clawing to hold on versus really wanting to be better and just confused.
It is a relationship, there will be times you need to evaluate and discuss, fix the suck, and move on. You sub will want it to be fixed, even if it is a sucky conversation, for that time, embrace the suck and fix it together.
Human beings are human beings. Look at how many “confident and strong” people in your life have gone through ruts, we are not different. How we can be different is not ignoring that trust and confidence in your submissive and being open with them. You have this amazing partner in life, let them help you.
Honestly saying “I need help” is just another way of saying “I love you and I want to be better for you”, and I learned that the hardest way.
What can not be overlooked and understated, is that your sub will most likely be wondering what they did wrong too. They know you are hurting, and now they can’t fix you like they had. I know Kitten had felt this in the past, she felt like she didn’t or couldn’t do enough to get this feeling to pass that was inside me, because I wasn’t letting her. You sub may not be the cause, but they are the solution.
They are hurting too, they don’t want to see their Dom suffer. They don’t want to see you in a quagmire, she has told me this time and again. By turning to your sub, and asking for help, lets them know that they can fix it, and you want them too.
What are your thoughts on confidence in Doms? From a Dom or Sub point of view, leave a comment below and let me know.