I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles about the situation Kitten and I are in. I have stated before, and I will make no bones about it, I DIDN’T LISTEN. She kept telling me what she needed and why, and I didn’t listen. She needed the structure, she needed me to provide it. When I denied her structure, I denied her a part of me she needed and that took “us” away.
There is so much you don’t know about being a Dom when you step into this world. When we first started, Kitten did a lot of research, and I did along with her. We focused A LOT on the submissive side, because I wanted to learn what I could for her sake.
We did do some research on the Dom aspect, but for me it was about rules. Being fair to your sub. Setting rules for day to day and overall. I read about Dom Drop (like sub drop) and other potentially problem areas. But, I didn’t learn enough about how i would be day to day. I guess, I am a man, I assumed I would always have the right answers (please stop laughing).
I have read several articles recently, that talk about the Dom’s emotions. I Found this article recently that really hit home for the situation Kitten and I were and are in. Now, the author is talking about a more situational spiral, versus a long term. But the premise is the same. I felt like I was doing something wrong (which was not doing enough) and I started to feel guilty and spiralled, but why?
The author went on to say a sentence that got me “Dom’s aren’t super-human”. That really got me to think about myself and how I viewed my part of our relationship. How I was supposed to always be “on” (in my mind) and how it was on me to make sure there was always happiness for Kitten.
I know,I didn’t listen to Kitten. She plainly told me what she needed, repeatedly, she begged for structure. I assumed I knew better, also repeatedly. She was asking, I was denying. She suffered over and over and I felt it but I thought being tender and supporting was more important than a balance. She was begging for structure, and I wouldn’t listen.
Then, I felt I was carrying a burden, which I was. But it was self made. I started this guilt and feeling like I was not being enough, and I wasn’t. But it wasn’t lack of trying, my guilt derived that I couldn’t fix things in her day to day, I was never expected to fix. But, the guilt became this small fire inside me, that I kept trying to throw dirt on to put out. Kitten would ask for me to be more structure, and I would deny her. The fire of guilt kept growing. Now, I was failing on both sides of our relationship, Sir and boyfriend. I was making her feel like I couldn’t trust her, when it was me I couldn’t trust.
I kept thinking I could handle it. I forget that all of the other parts of life I had to deal with were not only my problems, but hers too. Kitten would absolutely help me if i asked, but I didn’t ask. I didn’t talk. I was guilty to ask more of someone who gave so much. But I was trying to tackle everything alone and seem “Like a rock” I didn’t listen, and the rock slowly eroded into a jelly like substance just trying to find rigidity.
Reading the article made me think, Doms are predisposed to think we have the right answers, always. We have this tremendous responsibility to not only safeguard our Submissives hearts and body, but also their mind. I take that very seriously, but I also was trying to do too much, in none of the right places.
Work would be bad, I would feel bad for not being there to hug Kitten. Home would be hard, I felt bad about not being there to help Kitten. Something would break, I would feel bad I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t, not from 3200 miles away. She didn’t expect me too. She needed and deserved the escape, I was trying to stop a leak in the Air Conditioner with my mind from my office, and I was convinced it would help. I didn’t remember the promise we made when I gave her the anklet, and she gave me my ring. “Promise to love and support”, not to fix the sink.
When your submissive submits, she is not only offering her submission, she is offering her shoulder to help carry. She is offering her advice to help your mind. She is offering her love, to help everything else. Kitten is so strong, she could and would carry us, carry me. I felt like I was a burden to her.
As a new Dom, I felt I had to control everything to help Kitten. Then, when something happened and I would feel guilty I couldn’t control it or fix it, I threw fuel onto the guilt fire that was slowly burning. Until it is an inferno. I also wasn’t controlling what I could to give her the peace of submission. I also wasn’t talking everyday about my stresses and worries, because I didn’t want to burden her anymore than life had. I didn’t want to take any more of her strength with my problems, that I thought i had a grip on.
I think it is difficult for a Sub to understand that duality from a Dom’s perspective, as sometimes it is difficult for a Dom to see the duality from your perspective. We don’t know how the loss of structure feels like abandonment, as you can’t always feel how see our “failures” as us letting you down, the person we swore to dominate and protect.
You can tell us, You can talk to us. But, there is side of us that says “I should know better, I shouldn’t have let XYZ” happen, as a way of dealing with seeing your Sub hurt or struggling. Because we always want what is best for the Sub, at least I always do.
Then, it gets away from you. It did for me. I lost my “Dom” mind because I felt a guilt that I never should have. I felt this feeling of being a let down, I imposed on myself. Kitten would tell me I was a good Dom (I read those texts a lot right now), I wouldn’t listen.
Sure, I wanted her safe, loved and protected. I wanted her to wear my collar everyday, and feel owned. But, I wasn’t doing anything else because I had it in my mind that I was not good enough to give structure. I lost my confidence, and it was all self driven.
It took a year, and her taking off her collar and asking for a break before I realized I needed to work on my self worth and value (way to long, for the record). I still want and need her submission, more than anything. I still want to earn her submission back. I want my Kitten. But I also want to be the Dom she deserves. To give her that loving feeling, calm mind and stress relief that comes with the structure. I want her to know She is perfect, in my eyes. I know I was perfect in her eyes, however imperfect I actually was and even though it took me too long to realize it.
Being a Dom takes confidence and mental toughness and love. It takes commitment to your Sub, for all of their needs. It takes a firm hand at times, and a warm heart always. But, it also takes the ability to be humble, be fragile and know that you received the submission from your sub because you are worthy. Your sub knows your faults, and weakness. They don’t care, they just want to love and serve you the same you want to love and dominate them.
So take notes, new Dom’s and old Dom’s. You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to fix everything. you aren’t superhuman, you are human, just one who is lucky enough to earn the love and submission of your sub. If they talk to you about your confidence, or where you need to improve, don’t take it as a insult or weakness, they are trying to make you better for both of you. Don’t let it go too long, I did, and now I lost her submission, I lost the most amazing, loving and intimate commitment. I did it, because I thought I was supposed to be handling everything and when I couldn’t, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. I was and I am.
To subs, try and talk to your Dom. They will resist, they will say they are fine. Maybe, talk to them as your day to day “persona”, and tell them what you see and why. Call their guilt to the conversation “I know you feel bad about XYZ, but I don’t think you did anything wrong”. Let them know you see them spiralling, before it goes too long. From my perspective, the failure of providing structure isn’t from lack of love or interest, it is guilt ridden errors and self doubt.
To my Kitten: It never should have taken me this long, I understand why you feel how you do, as much as I can. I am sorry for the hurt and pain, and I have learned more about myself in the past few days than I ever had, and it was because I crave your love and trust so much. I crave my Kitten, and I will do anything to get you back. I love you, and I always have.