That was what my friend asked on the phone. So, I took Kittens advice, and spoke to a friend of mine who was not aware of any of what and transpired in my life with Kitten. He knows of her, and we had discussed basic relationship stuff, but he didn’t have any clue about the Dom/Sub lifestyle or that we were living it. But, he was an old and dear friend, and he has always given me sound advice without judgment.
Now, as I have said before, I don’t share emotions well. I know I can, I used too with Kitten before things went haywire, but I don’t with others. I have a few friends who, we hardly talk, but we have a good system for friendship. I guess I kind of choose to be a little bit closed off from most people, for various reasons. But I keep tabs on a few people and we have a good system. Here is a breakdown of how it works:
- We don’t talk for 6 months, except a few texts.
- Something bad or major happens
- We pick up and talk like we had just hung out yesterday
- Solve Problems
So, yesterday I got my friend to call me after I told him I was in a pretty bad place. He called as I was outside of the grocery store, and he didn’t know he was about to learn things about me, that he probably wishes he didn’t on some level. But, I also know he would never turn his back to me no matter what, so here comes the deluge of information.
Now, I don’t know about you, but when you live in the “BDSM” world, and you aren’t in groups or attend events, most people you encounter or explain it too don’t understand it.
Or they think they do understand, and have crazy misconceptions. I have learned this by reading social media and websites. Things like “Oh, a dominant in a relationship just beats the submissive, while the submissive is a slave who has no independent thought or will” types of things. So, when it is time to explain your relationship to someone who may not comprehend it, you come too that conversation preloaded with information you probably won’t need, but I digress.
So, as the conversation started my old friend got a crash course in our relationship. “yes, I am the dominant, no I don’t just tie her up”. “Yes, She is the submissive, no she don’t just walk on all fours and fetch me food”. I actually explained the delicate and loving balance fairly well. How there can not be a “top” without a “Bottom”. How the relationship is so symbiotic and deep that we can almost literally not live without the other. How it is built on love and trust on a level beyond what I can even comprehend some days.
My friend was incredible. He listened to every word I said. He did not pass judgement on our relationship, instead he focused on helping me with all of the issues I had buried inside of me. There is nothing like being a grown man, sitting in a grocery store parking lot with tears and full on crying. But, that was what needed to happen and I need to have this discussion there and then.
I won’t go into detail, but I will share the key points my friend showed me I was missing in all of this, or maybe I knew and I was just stubborn. He also pointed out that outside of my fathers funeral, this is the first time in 25 years he had seen or heard me cry. Here is the list of what he shared and I needed to hear:
- Kitten did not kick me to the curb and fully break up with me. We are on a break, she has taken the collar off, but she didn’t just break up with me. That means, as he put it “She knows what’s inside of you, she is letting you find it. She is still there with her hand extended, telling you to “take it”. Get over yourself, Yeah, you fucked up and nothing is ever going to be easy, But show her why the bad will never outweigh the good. Man the fuck up, be better, you both deserve it”
- He then went on and told me to “Make peace” with myself. “You both knew this situation would be hard, and all the risks that go along with it. You are consenting adults, you can not stop some things and you can not fix and control everything. Respect yourself to know you couldn’t fix everything, and now you have this misplaced sadness that has created this spiral. You should have told her everything and moved closer to her instead of away”
- “You finally have a woman who is selfless and loving and loves you beyond what you can comprehend, what else do you need?”
- Ignore the noise. I won’t give a direct quote. But essentially all of the other, non-important stresses in life just need to be dealt with as they come up, and then forgot about as soon as they are solved. That my time and efforts belong to Kitten and I should not let her be shorted because I have an asshole for a boss, the internet is acting weird or some other problems that don’t amount to anything that is life altering.
So, here I am with more hope than I had yesterday. I also have more information, clearer insight and I do feel better. I guess just offloading my last year on someone, was therapeutic. It is also way outside my normal operating procedure. But, I know that as I get older, I learn not everything I did before was the best way. I am not always right. I can learn to cope and deal better, and I will.
I spoke earlier about preconceived notions and thoughts about how a dominant and submissive relationship is. I have learned a thing or two about it as well this week. As a dominant, I can’t always just take everything on me for us. I have to share that emotional load. I have to admit when I am overwhelmed. I have to be “the rock”,but it is ok to have a few soft edges.
Now, if the sleep could come back to normal, that would be amazing. Babysteps.