She cried as she said those words, the words that broke me. She was a good Kitten, a great one actually. I, on the other hand, was not a good Sir. Now, she was crying, and I was again the reason.
Four times over the last year we had talked about what I was and wasn’t doing as Sir. All four times, Kitten was telling me how she needed me to, Just be me. Just be the strong and good Sir that I was. I was good at it too, I knew I was. But I lost my way, and it cost me everything.
When your Dom/Sub relationship is also part of your everyday relationship, you wear numerous hats. Sir, boyfriend and best friend are all the hats you have to wear. But, When the trust and love is a well that bubbles from your Dom/Sub relationship, that is the thing that shouldn’t be neglected. No, that is the thing that CAN NOT be neglected.
I had trouble finding the right hat, because I wouldn’t listen. I was trying to wear all the others when things got hardest. Then, like an mindless fool, I was shocked when the other hats were not helping. So, instead of going back to what did help, what Kitten told me would help, I doubled down on the other hats. It led to neglect, abandonment and loss for Kitten. I just left her hanging, as I shut down because I wouldn’t listen and now nothing was working.
Now here we were, talking about it again. The fifth time, and this time I was not able to save it. The other four times, I said I would. I said I would be me, and stop trying to be who I wasn’t. I promised, she let me try, and I failed her. Sure, A few days would be fine, then something would happen and I would feel like I wasn’t effective, and shut down and she was just sitting there begging for me, and I just didn’t do anything.
“You only want to fix it now because it effects you” she said to me over the phone. I had been trying to recover the last few days before this conversation. I was trying to show her I am still here, that Sir and the man who loves her still does exist inside me. I knew it wasn’t a clean slate, and unlike when I first got her to submit, I am deep in a hole of trying to earn her trust.
She had already put up the walls, the ones I tore down years ago. She was protecting herself, from me. God, why did it take me so long to see it, why didn’t I listen? Why did I let what I had go because I was angry at me? Why could I not just tell her “I hurt too, and I need to hurt and heal with you”. No, I just decided I knew best and stepped away from her.
The last year was a lot for both of us. Maybe I will detail in another post, but for now just say that we were tested as a couple, as individuals and also as Sir and Kitten. We were tested in ways we never thought possible.
Then the 2 biggest tests, I failed. I made her feel small and abandoned when she needed me emotionally the most. There isn’t an excuse, there maybe reasons, but none are acceptable. She needed me to step up, where others would never, it was my job to protect her and be her “rock”.
I left her to twist, like others had in the past. I was no better than the people I used to rail against that abandoned her. I left her on the floor crying, and I did nothing. NOTHING!
After that situation, I felt helpless and I didn’t go to her. I turned my anger inside at myself. I kept trying to do things that weren’t helping her. I began doubting myself, as her Sir man. I didn’t talk to her, I didn’t support her, I didn’t remind her how she was an amazing Kitten. I didn’t show her she was an amazing Kitten. I didn’t protect her from anything, including me.
I selfishly decided I knew best. That she didn’t need Sir, she needed just the basic boyfriend. It wasn’t like I sat one night and said “This is how it is going to be” but I did choose it because I wasn’t choosing to do what she needed.
I was hurting too, alot. I was feeling like I was the worst possible human being on the planet. I wasn’t physically right there earlier in the year to help her when I was convinced that was she needed me there phsyically. But I neglected to be emotionally there, when that was what she actually needed.
I had got so bad that Kitten told me on the phone this past week that I was “Just angry”. Like as a person. She was right, but she thinks it was at everyone, when it is just at myself. She has told me twice I need to talk to someone outside of us to vent. I told her I will, and I will, But, I want that someone to be her. Maybe, I can get her back to there again. But back to this past year.
What she needed at that time, when everything was bad, was me to be there emotionally as Sir. It is what she always needed, in good times and bad. It is what she deserves. She needed me celebrate and gieve with her. To pull her onto my chest, and remind her who she was to me and why. To tell her that everything was going to be ok. to remind her She was a good Kitten. She needed me to grieve with her. Instead, I tried to send coffee and dinner. I literally phoned it in and that started the spiral.
I never thought I could do that to her, I never thought I could be that monster. But because I couldn’t deal, I didn’t listen. I didn’t turn to the one person I trusted with EVERYTHING, I lost her. I lost my Kitten. I hurt her to the point that she is keeping me at arms length because she is afraid I will do it again, and I deserve that.
I won’t lie, I am caught between trying to fix and being optimistic and working to get her back, and hating myself. I feel so naked and alone. I am sure that she felt this bad and more for the last year, and it almost makes it worse now in my heart that I can feel it. I was angry at myself before, now I am barely able to look at myself.
I love her, if you can’t tell. I love all of her. I love my Kitten god so so much. She is my everything, and I hope it isn’t too little to late, because I don’t know if I can exist forever without her. Actually, I do know that I can not, not without her. All of her.
Now I have to work at gaining her love and trust back. It will be a million baby steps, because I have to earn a little before I can earn a little more. I have to prove myself, that I am not who I was for the past year. That that guy is gone and wasn’t even me. It was a shell of a man pretending to be me. Angry, sad and selfish. That is not who I am, it was who I was pretending to be. I know, in my heart, I am her Sir, and I will show her.
*Note, I am obviously using this blog now to not only share what I have learned. But also as accountability for myself and as a therapy.