The hardest lesson I have learned as a dominant is that we aren’t and can’t be strong all the time of we doubt ourselves and stop listening to the one we are supposed to protect and love.
It cost me my submissive. Not because she saw me as weak, but because I didn’t turn to her when I needed too. I didn’t listen. I became self loathing, and I let her down, again.
I think one of the hardest things is not being able to solve certain problems for the ones we love and dominate. We can’t change certain things we wish we could.
Instead of enjoying what’s right in front of me, I started to judge and blame myself for things I couldn’t do and change. I focused on me and not her.
I stopped listening to Kitten, when she would tell me what she needed. I was trying to fix things that didnt need fixing. I stopped being her dominant and started trying to be something I wasnt. She told me, numerous times what she needed to be, and I didnt listen. For over a year, I didnt listen.
It cost us so much pain, ts caused her to feel like she was doing something wrong. It hurt her, and she lost the trust in me as “Sir”. I should have been strong enough to listen. I should have been strong enough to lean on her too.
Instead I spiralled, and fell into a pattern of not giving Kitten the love she deserved. Not cherishing her enough. Not being the strength where she needed it.
She told me. Time and again. But I thought I knew better. It wasn’t because I didn’t think she was being honest, I just wanted to do more than I could and I focused on the things I couldn’t make better, and ignored what I could. I ignored her, and I can never tell her how truly sorry I am, because there arent words.
I was weak. I was useless. I wasnt the “Sir” she deserved, I spent almost a year wasting her time and losing her trust. I hurt her, to the point she took the collar off. She took it away because she couldnt trust me with it. I can’t call her Kitten. In me, it led to a spiral I couldn’t recover from.
I am going to get it back. All of it. We are still a couple. We are still in love. But I hurt her bad, and I swear I am going to earn her trust back. I am going to listen. I am going to be a better “Sir”.
I am going to prove my worth for her trust and her body. I told her I wouldn’t ask for it. I am going to earn it. I am going to be the man she fell in love with. I am going to be the Dominant she trusted. I am going to be the strength for her, and let her feel safe again.
This starts my climb back up. This starts my quest to have my Kitten. While not having her hurts more than I can say, it fuels the fire to earn her back, because we deserve it. We deserve us. She, above all else, deserves the love, protection and safety I know I can give her. I am going to be the man she fell in love with.