I talked to Kitten this morning. We went over everything I talked to my friend about yesterday. While she seemed happy I actually listened for once, she asked what happened that I shut down and walked away emotional for a year.
Then She got upset because she knew she gave me everything I needed, and I didn’t give her the chance to fix me when I felt broken. I didn’t let her love me. She was right.
She asked what assurances she had I wouldn’t do it again. That we had an amazing relationship and we communicated so well. How she loved and supported me and showed me after years of not feeling worthy, I truly was. How does she know I won’t take it away again?
I didn’t have an answer. I could only tell her how my heart felt and what I onew I wanted. How I have learned that the guy I was the last year was a shell of myself. How I know how to be better and I have learned.
I know it took me almost losing her to realize. How she asked me for a year to fix it, and I only did when it was all but gone. This is the part that is making her mad, and I dont blame her. How can she trust me? How can she be sure?
She said “if you are going to change and be better and Earn it, you are going to do it by yourself. I tried for a year and you didnt let me.”
I can only tell her that I will prove to her. I was loud, not yelling, but direct. I told her that I am worth it. That I will be “me”. That I will do everything to earn her love and trust and when I get her heart back I will care for it amd protect with all of my being, I will be her safest place. I won’t be perfect, but I will always try, and when I have problems or I am scared. I will go to my safe place, which is her.
We texted after, right now actually. She told me how she wants to not be mad at me. How she isn’t mad in her head, and then when we talk it comes out. How she wants to share things, but she can’t (trust me) right now and it makes her spiral and feel Bi-Polar.
She said she Hope’s the mad goes away and when it does I’ll be normal and happy enough to take it. I know her walls. I have seen it put up for others. It is tall, thick and protects her totally. There are no holes, no weak spots.
God, I wish I could hold her. I wish I could pull her into my arms and kiss her head. No talking, just feel my heart beat against hers. Just breath and hold each other. I just want her to know I am who I say I am.
I’m ready for this long road to earn it all back and break the walls down. But when I see her so upset at me, my heart breaks knowing I hurt the one I swore I never would. I can not put to words how she never deserved that. She is the most amazing woman, I love her, I adore her. I am so sorry to have hurt you so much, Kitten.