So, not even 72 hours into Kitten agreeing to try with me again, I made a rather large mistake. It was a mistake, it wasn’t intentional. Kitten knows both of these things, but it didn’t change the fact that I did something without considering her first. I didn’t ask her, I didn’t discuss with her, I just did, and that was a major issue I had previously with her.
The long and short, it was a 2 prong mistake, because why do something small, right? So, the first part of it was me telling someone close to me that Kitten has submitted again, and I didn’t tell Kitten I was going to tell anyone. The person I told is one of the few that knows the lifestyle we live. That person is very close to me and he was going through a lot himself. He recently lost his Sub, dealing with some personal demons and also a parent who was hospitalized. He shared a lot and I was trying to be helpful and motivating.
I started to tell him about my last year or so. How I went through a lot. With stress building, feeling inadequate, making mistakes, over controlling things and the list went on and on. He said he shared very much the same issues and we discussed how our lives paralleled and I was trying to lift him up and give him hope.
I told him all the things I lost with Kitten, all the mistake I made. How I held on in wrong places, and let go in the places I should have held. I was sharing how I made changes, what changes I made to get myself back. I also explained that these changes where the changes that allowed me to get Kitten to submit again. I essentially said those words, versus “trying to submit” or “agreeing” to try. I essentially outed the fact that Kitten and I were back as D/s and I never asked Kitten if that was OK to discuss, and I should have absolutely have asked considering the circumstance. I was excited to tell him, and yes hindsight was not only was I trying to motivate him, but I was being braggadocios, even if I didn’t mean to be.
I explained to Kitten what had happened and she told me she was very happy I could help him and try to motivate him, but she was also feeling stress and anxiety about other people knowing. That is would put a different pressure some how, and now that we were only 3 days into trying, it made things harder. She was angry that we didn’t even have time to figure us out, and she is still trying to relieve the stress and anxiety from my actions before, and here I go not considering her feelings and just making choices that I should have included her on. She even said that she couldn’t say the verbally that she had submitted again. Just that we discussed trying.
She was also upset about the fact I wrote the last blog post about her agreeing to try. I thought I had worded it well enough originally to show that it was not a full status D/S situation. That we were working to try things out. Kitten felt as if that it was too strong and again added pressure to us. I went through and modified it to make it more clear, but the action was done.
I understand her fear and aggravation with it all. I know I should have communicated with her. I know I wasn’t intending to upset her, and she knows as well. She even said a few times, that she feels partly to blame because both the blog and that person I talked too, were the 2 outlets she asked me to go to before and use to deal with my stress. I don’t think this is true, it wasn’t who I was taking too, it was how I was talking. I over shared and could have chose 4 or 5 other ways to say it to make it easier.
She had to pull back a little again, and I know and understand why. She said we will work it out, even though she is upset and I need to have a lot of sweetness and patience for a while, which is something I am good at lately and will do until this passes. I understand her position on this completely. For those who may not, need to read way back when things go hard between us and she took off her collar. There was a lot, and I knew starting back and even trying there would be mistakes and some bigger than others. I obviously wish to avoid them, as I do want to care for her and her heart, but I also know if I make them I need to reassure her that it was just a mistake, and not the person who I am anymore. That I am different, and I stronger and more importantly, smarter. I know I have become so much better, and as we figure this out I will show her just how much better as a man, and a Dom I am.
Mistakes that hurt out little ones suck. But, I have learned that you have to not be afraid to own them and move on. Being afraid to make the mistake, is worse than the mistake. So, I am being patient and sweet, because she is still my little one. I will continue to be patient, sweet, loving, strong and giving to her until she is ready to take another step. She is worth it, I am worth it. She is my Little one, and I will wait as long as I need too for her to be comfortable and happy. She is still my Kitten, and I am still her Wolf.