Just 48 hours ago, Angel and I were having another conversation about emotions and feelings. We discussed our relationship again, where I went wrong and what I have learned. It was actually very positive and productive, and not at all contentious. Even spots that were hard, we were frank and discussed it probably better than we had before.
I knew, and still know, that her emotions aren’t where mine are in regards to us. I know that even with all she has let go and forgiven me, that doesn’t mean that those parts of her heart are ready for me or anyone else to touch. I respect that, I also appreciate her still being honest.
During the conversation, we talked about sex, or lack there of. We talked about missing sex, as a human and the mastebating not always fitting the bill. But, we both aren’t in a place to just go out and get laid like that. I know I would feel like I was cheating still, even if I wasn’t. Angel also said that she knows I would implode, and that is keeping her from doing it as well.
I even told her that if she needed it that bad, then maybe she should. She called me a liar for saying that, and that she knows it would crush me and I am saying one thing to be nice, but my feelings are the opposite. Yes, this is true, but I also want her to be happy. I told her that right then.
Then, something strange happened. We started to discuss our sex, and how great it was. I think I said “well, say the word, and I’ll be there”. I did mean for just sex, I know that there is a downfall potential. We discussed that too, how if we had a crazy, sex only week, that it could lead to alot of other places. One of which, the ending of even our friendship.
With that being said, I told her that for me, not taking the right risks seemed to always backfire with us. But taking the right risk, always turned out amazing. That the fear of the unknown had kept me, and us, from so much. I also told her that the sex between us alone, is so incredible and astounding, that I think about sliding into her all the time still.
So we talked about the idea, we went through all the potential problems with just the idea of it, and honestly I felt like we discussed every possibility. I could feel Angel hesitating to say yes. She was worried, and I can not say I blame her. Worried about emotions, good and bad. Worried about the ramifications of a visit. Worried, that if it ruins our friendship then we could lose each other as people. I told her the truth, I still feel that we were put in each other’s lives for a reason, and our bond is larger than that. It may not be “perfect”, and there may be some hardship with it, but it could turn out amazing, even just physically. Fun, exciting and a huge stress relief for us both.
Then, I was bold. History favors the bold, and I felt like we discussed enough where we both wanted too, but no one wanted to be on the hook for saying yes. So I jumped, she told me when was a good time for her (September) and I said I was coming. Plain and simple, and that she has time to say no, but until she does say no, I am coming.
She was shocked I think, as she gave me a gasp type emoji. She then said “wow, I opened the door a little and he kicked it right in”, meaning “sir”. I said that it wasn’t him, it was me. Then I recanted, and said, “yes, it was him, but as you said, we are one in the same”. Sir is me, I am Sir. The more I figure “me” out, the more my dominant side comes back to the surface.
So, then we talked. The usual exciting sexy talk at first. Talking about all the different things we would do and wanted to do. But, then we slowed down and discussed rules, and places we can not go when I come. Mostly, is me protecting her from slipping into subspace, or too deep into submissiveness. I don’t want that at all. Maybe a dabble, so we both get the sexual gratification, but I don’t want to just take any bit of submission from her like that. I want to earn it. All of it. I want to earn her, and not just take it during a sexual moment. I told her it was as important to me, as it was for her, I don’t want submission to ever hurt her again. So, we would be smart, no canes, no paddles, no crops, no marks. That is all the deep subspace toys, the deep submission toys.
“What if I want it” she asked. I told her that we would only discuss that with a clear mind and heart. That it is an emotional decision and not a physical one. That I know when she is slipping into subspace, and I wouldn’t let her slip. If there is a sub drop, then I would care for her as she deserves and needs until it passes, then I will move on like planned. She wouldn’t be allowed to slip too deep, and I wouldn’t abandon her, which I know she is petrified of. This is a chance for me to show her she can trust me, and I will take care of her.
I even said “so we have a plan” to which Angel responded “Yeah, until I go crazy again” and I laughed. I know we will discuss it 100 times, and the dangers of it. I know we will probably cancel it, then say ok to it again a few times. I know, more than anything, she is afraid of me, for her heart and mind. I know she is afraid of the damage, and I am not going to let it happen again.
It is a while away. It is just sex and fun. There will be some emotion, on some level, and I am going to do all I can to keep it light, fun and easy. To let her just enjoy without stress, and be treated like the sexy, beautiful woman that she is. To enjoy being ravaged and be so lusted after, it can’t be controlled. Because she is. I know I talk about the emotions a lot, but as far as raw beauty and sexual prowess, there is no one sexier in my mind.