That phrase normally ends with “In with the new”. Maybe that part will come later, but for now Angel and I have been doing a lot individually to try and purge some of the “old” individually. Some of it is emotions, some of it is thoughts and some of it is actually material things.
Angel has been changing alot for herself, and I have said before I am happy that she is. Yesterday, she said that she was going to be getting rid of some of our Dom/Sub items. Mostly toys and such, to kind of purge the chapter and maybe feel better. She has all of our “things”. She even said that if we ever get there again some day, then we would get new things. I absolutley agreed with her on that. Should we ever get back there, it would be an entire fresh start.
She stated that she would keep her “day collars” and her anklet, but wanted ot know if I wanted any of the toys, like my paddle, and especially the collars or our sessions.
This his me hard, I don’t know what I was expecting, but I knew this would probably happen at some point. I tried to prepare, and I wasn’t. My chest got tight, and I breathed heavily. I honestly don’t know how I would react seeing them, and having them sent back to me.
I lied, and put on a brave face. She was so happy and opitimistic, I didn’t want to ruin that for her. But, I said “Maybe I need to hold them one last time to close that chapter and toss them”. This, rightfully so, upset her. They are my collars for her. She earned them, I gave them. They mean so much to both of us. The represent the love, dedication and trust that we buit with them. They were a major part of us.
I knew in my heart, I wouldn’t toss them. I was just trying to show I was moving on from that part of our relationship. I was trying to be supportive. I was trying to live in the now. These are all things I have been trying to be good at, and I felt the werd fear I used to have all the time creep in. But I didn’t say anything other admitting it made me sad.
She got upset, saying maybe she will not send them, then saying she will send all of the collars, day collars too. That they were mine and I can throw them out if I want, and she was being loving by offering to send them, and she never thought I would consider throwing them away. She was angry, and hurt.
Then, I did something that I hadn’t been good at. I came clean to Kitten about them. I told her the truth and told her I was just reaction and trying to match her optimism in moving forward. How I wasn’t going to throw them away, and that I just had a weak moment. I didn’t explain the article where I said goodbye to Kitten, which I don’t hink she had read, but I did tell her I fought hard t move past losing her.
I caught myself, and knew it wasn’t time for weak. It was time for honest. Angel and I talked about how much I have been trying to change that part. Why I did it for so long, this saying what I thought needed to be said versus how I felt. Hiding my emotions. Not being honest. I asked for forgiveness and we discussed it.
Then, something (I Thought) was amazing happened. We continued to talk about it. I think we both needed to catch our breath. It was an emotionally charged subject, and she was trying to give me a piece of us, and I was trying to show her I was ok. We even mentioned a possible future, which hasn’t been spoken about all that much. It was all good, until I lied about how i felt.
But, we talked. We discussed it all the way through. I told her what I wanted, but respected what she decided. I apologized for the weak moment of dishonesty, and asked for her to forgive me. She said she would wait a few days to decide on what she would send or keep, and we moved on.
We actually had a fun and good day after all of that. We talked and chatted and just shared. There was no dwelling or caught in the quagmire of the earlier incident. We just, well, were us. It felt good, it reminded me we can disagree, and still be ok. I saw it in practice.
I think there are certain subjects that still cause the emotinal flare from both of us, especially because we show very little “emotion” or affection verbally anymore. We show it through talking and sharing our day, but not the “I love you” or anything like we used to. That part is hard, for me. I think for Angel too. I do miss her calling me “handsome” or saying “good job baby” when I accompllush a task. Don’t even get me started on hearing the word “Sir” pass her lips.
I just miss it, in her voice and text. I know she holds it back (maybe not on purpose) so she can focus on healing her and not getting caught into the path of anything she isn’t ready for with me or without. We have discussed before how certain things had to change for us to be friends, gushing over each other is one of them. But, I miss her. I miss us, even still.
One of the things that was said, that really helped me, was Angel told me I was a good Dom. This was huge, as I had convinced myself I wasn’t last year. I kept trying to seperate my from “sir”. I would then take blame for everything and tell myself I wasn’t.
So, out with the old? yes. Is there a “in with the new?”. That is an answer for time to tell. I can tell you this, we are better with each other every day. Not perfect, I think there will always be little speed bumps, we are human. But we talk and share better now than we have in months. I am thankful for that, and her friendship.