I had my surgery last week to repair my knee. 2nd surgery on the same one in a year. I had hope this would be the last one, but my doctor isn’t so sure. I tried to make the best on it. Focus, recover and see what happens. I wasn’t thrilled at the news, but I figured if I could get through this big batch of bad news, then, life was going to be ok. I got my bad news for the week, and I need to move on.
Then, I talked to angel today. I knew right away she was upset and angry, not at me, but I know her tone. Come to find out, life just threw this tremendous left hook at her, and she never saw it coming. She was hurting and angry, and there is nothing I can do but be here.
We had been doing ok the last few weeks. She has been living her best life, and I have been trying too as well. She had plans and goals, and I had them too. But, life was status quo for the most part, at least where we were. I thought of her alot, but I felt good about where we were. I felt good about where she was.
But, just as life always does, the other shoe drops. I felt her pain and anguish as soon as we started talking. I felt her anger, she was lashing out. I knew she was a mess. I wanted to go to her and comfort her so bad. She started in on how she couldn’t talk to me about her problem, but luckily she did a little bit anyways. She vented and got some out, then stopped responding. She has a lot going on right now, and I know she needed to step away from me, even for a while, to deal with it and I can not blame her. I just wished she could talk and tell me everything and let me talk to her through it. We will see if she does.
I wanted to get angry and fix everything or her. It isn’t my place to do so. But I wanted too. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her we would figure it all out together. That she could depend on me to be right here. I did tell her that, but I don’t know what she will allow me to help with anymore.
Seeing her in so much paon and turmoil, seeing her angry and sad. Seeing her lash out, it all shows me how bad of a spot she really is in. How she is trying to solve her problem, with limited answers. I just want to be there for her. She told me time and again how I can’t help with this, because of the situation that it is. But I am not angry at the situation, I am angry I can not help her and she won’t let me.
She doesn’t want to think that I would go anywhere or do anything for her. She doesn’t want to feel that, because she has decided that no matter what, there are things I can’t do for her with her. I can’t help like I used too, becuase she doesn’t want me too. I understand that Angel needs to do for her, and I am not mad at her. I am just sad, becuase I know I can calm her and help. I know I want too more than anything, for her. Not for me.
So, I will sit here on standby. I hope she talks to me again soon, but I know I may not here from her for a while. I know that in her path of fixing herself, she will carry this burden alone. She feels like she has too now, after I let her down. So, I can only stand here. Loving her in my heart, and hoping for a chance to throw my shoulder under the load she is carrying, and let her back rest some.
My heart hurts for her, my heart aches to help her. I will be right here, for her, always. I only hope she knows she can reach out whenever she wants, and I will be ready to be the best help I can be. She is amazing, and she doesn’t deserve what has happened. She deserves the world in her hand.
Angel, if you read this, You never have to ask, just know I will always be right here for you. Where ever right here is, wherever or how ever you need me. I am right here.
**UPDATE** After I wrote this Angel called me and talked to me about what was going on. She cried and talked and vented. I tried so hard to lift her sadness and give good unbiased advice for her. I just wanted to be a shoulder to lean on for her, and let her get some of her anger out. I would do that a million times over for her, be her person. Let her vent, give her some mental peace. I can’t fix it, I didn’t fix anything. I just was there. I listened. I talked. I felt like it was the most good I have done for her in months and I was glad to be able to. I may not be her man but I am her friend. I do love her. I do, want her happiness.