Two nights ago, I was having a good night. I had time alone, I had got a nice steak, made a few Dark Manhattans (Angel turned me onto them) and a cigar. I had been trying to “treat” myself a little more. Angel pointed out a while ago that I never do anything for myself, so I have been making it a point to do nice things for myself occasionally. She was right, and it is good to treat yourself, especially with everything going on in this world.
So, I had a few drinks and ate. I listened to music, enjoyed my cigar and really just realaxed on the back deck for the night. I had a good night too, it was light and fun. By the end of the night, after enjoying myself, I started thinking about Angel. I realized, yet again, that she took care of me by reminding me to do nice things for myself.
So, at the end of the night I texted her that I loved her. We have’nt been saying it alot, but we both know it is still there. We haven’t been saying much emotionally, but I also wanted to let her know I was doing better and taking care of myself, and I had her to thank. I don’t know, I guess showing her seemed appropriate, after a few drinks.
I knew she was asleep, and would not get it until she woke up. I sent her a picture of me, of my night and drinks and food. I told her how I missed her as well. I wasn’t asking for anything or pushing, I just want her to see that I am doing better. The whole reasons she said that she was staying friends with me early, was to make sure I was ok. So, in my 4 or 5 cocktails deep, it seemed like a good idea. I honestly thought it would put a smile on her face, and she would laugh it off. How wrong I was, again.
I knew right away I was wrong, when I got my first text back asking if I had a “rough night”. I told her it was the opposite and that I was had a decent night. I tried to explain that I wasn’t pushing, I just thought she may like to see me having fun, and I know the “I love you” was probably over the top, but I also want her to know I still do love her, even as things are. I have been trying to not blur the line, but I am still me. The me who she first me.
She launched into how I don’t listen, how I need to learn to just be a friend, and how I need to apprciate her now, as a friend. I told her that I was trying and that I also want her to know she is loved and apprciated. Something she doesn’t hear often in her own today to day.
I also admitted I have tried very hard to “put a cap” on the emotional and such, but I am also still trying to put togther everythin I broke in my own life, head and emotions over the previous year. I again told her if it is too much to deal with, then tell me and cut me off. But I am still fixing alot, and imperfect.
I also pointed out all the things I have fixed and changed over the last 3 months. All of the “new boundaries” and such I have respected and she spoke about how I don’t listen and I still don’t don’t do what she asks.
Part of the problem, is me. I know that and I really am trying to be better. Gushing over her, telling her how she is loved and how she makes me feel was always one of the things I loved about being in a relationship with her. She hadn’t ever seen that apprecaition, and I never wanted her to feel like she wasn’t apprciated or loved.
When I was in the dumb mental and emotional place, I didn’t tell her enough. I didn’t listen or trust, I didn’t try and change until it was too late. Now I am, I am trying, but it isn’t a switch I can flip, once she makes up her mind she can do that. She can just “stop” saying or expressing things. It isn’t that she doesn’t feel it, but she can surely police herself better, or as she said “have self control”, which I obviously don’t when it comes to her.
Another part of the problem is, no one has ever changed for her. She will tell you she doesn’t associate past experiences to the current, but lets be honest we all do. We all use what we lived through, that shaped us and apply it in our life, even if we think we don’t, we absolutley do as people. It is what makes us who we are.
So, I think for her it is uncharted waters emotionally. She will fight and argue that point, but I know her history and I know what she went through before. I also see how she handles herself with others, and I know how she does it. She may do things different with me, but her reflex is the same. Again, she will never agree, but I see it.
So, after a morning of her telling me how she needs me to act with her as a friend, I had a long talk about myself and what needs to be further adjusted in how I interact with her. I need to cut more of the “cute” out, and just the light and the funny. I need to give her more space. I need to just box up my feelings more.
She doubts my ability to do so, and I told her I will blow her fucking mind and do it. She doesn’t know, or maybe she doesn’t believe that she is worth it. All of it. I know who she is and when things are right, how she loves. I know that I want to make her happy and give her all the things she deserves, and I she doesn’t think anyone would do that for her. She is about to be so fucking wrong, her head will spin. I will show her what I should have all along, and what I always wante too, that she is more worthy of sacrifice and dedication and love, than any person I have ever met.