I Used Too….

I used to be able to make Angel happy. The last week, she has really been upset and depressed. I know we have talked, and I hope it has helped. But, I miss the days when I could put that smile on her face, that when everything else sucked, I could be her happy, her safe place. I miss doing that for her.

I told her I missed her tonight, we haven’t talked alot the last few days. We had that one discussion, but she has been avoiding me it seems. I used to be the place she ran too, now I am seemingly what she runs from. I told her that I guess I was lucky enough to see “perfect” in love, even if I don’t get to have it anymore. We were perfect, she is perfect for me. I just foolishly let it slip.

Now, she is in total turmoil, and it is because of me. She said tonight that she never thought she would feel so lost and alone, and it broke my heart. I would give anything to make just 2 or 3 decsions again, and change it all. To put that smile back on her face, to make her day better, to make her life better. But, that oppurtunity has passed, and every day we talk less and less I fear it is further and further away.

I see her slipping into a depression, like what I went through, albeit for different reasons. I guess the unknowing, is the same reason. For me it was not knowing how to get to her and start our life, for her it is what to do with her life now. It is still unknowing, just different causes.

I don’t want her to be there, I don’t want her to suffer like I did. I don’t want her to feel that horrible feeling of dread constantly, like something else was just going to be worse and it couldn’t be stopped. That feeling where nothing makes you happy, because the happiness you seek isn’t with in your reach, even though for me it was, I just didn’t apprecaite it. I didn’t appreciate her and us.

I have said before that she can’t feel what I went through, like I couldn’t feel what she went through. But, I don’t want her to feel it, I don’t want her to go down that road where rock bottom was right there, and that you didn’t know how you could get through the day, but you had too. I don’t want her to ache anymore.

I want to be that safe space again. That love and support, that extra push when she needs it. I want her to rely on me, I want to show her I can be relied on, and lift that weight upon her heart. I want her to know, she isn’t alone, even if she feels she is. I miss feeling like that, I miss being her love, because I used to be, and it was perfect.

~S. L.

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