I Feel Her Pain, Still

It was a long weekend for Angel, emotionally. I knew she was emotionally off before the weekend came. I could tell by how limited she was in her texting and calls. I knew, just because I can still feel her when she is.

Today, we talked about her emotions. How she is still angry at me, but she is also disappointed in herself. She brought up that she was upset at herself for letting everything go for so long before taking a stand. To let her heart get dragged apart, before stepping out. She even mentioned how she was also disappointed that she “gave up” and cited that she I “never would do that”, but she did. She was really hard on herself.

I called her ignorant. I told her that she was not seeing the big picture on what she did, and something that isn’t lost on me. I told her how she had to change how she loved me, because of my actions. But she didn’t just walk away and give up on me, she stayed, at her own peril. She supported me, and boxed her anger and disappointment away. She held my hand, when I deserved nothing. She stayed, just differently.

I also explained that I thought she waited so long, and reacted so differently than she had ever in previous relationships. How she didn’t “burn things down” and walk away, no, she did it different because we are different than either of us had before, even now. That, maybe she didn’t burn it down, because our story isn’t done. It may not be how we thought it was written, but that doesn’t mean it is over, even if it is different.

We discussed our “roads” and she pointed out that mine was clear, to recover back to the man I was before I let it call go. Strong, confident, and happy. I could tell she was angry that it was so “clear” when she wasn’t sure what hers was now, and how she has to figure that out.

I told her that whatever it was, I wanted to help her on her road. The help she gave me, the love and support she gave me. How, even if she had to do it differently than before, she didn’t let me go through it alone. I told her I wanted help “dig” the new road, she decides where it goes, but I will dig whatever and however she wants me to. Because, I may not have given her what she needed and deserved in our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I am incapable of doing it now. I have learned, and I want to help her find her happiness, even if it isn’t with me in it.

She responded “I don’t wanted you to dig, I WANTED you to keep riding with me, on our road. Asshole”. She said she didn’t want me to dig, because it reminds her she cant trust me. She can’t give me the shovel, because I fucked up the road before. It is fair, I don’t expect her to trust me. I know she is angry, as I said a while ago, she boxed her anger away to help me and her own peril.

Today, was progress for her to unload those boxes and process her anger. It was also, and isn’t, not lost on me that we are discussing this differently now. There isn’t the same anger, it was a conversation. Even with her calling me asshole, it didn’t feel like a yell. I don’t know how to explain it, I guess if you know how she talks you would know it wasn’t a mean comment, as much as a venting comment. You will have to trust me.

She said how she was in sleep depression and just wanted to sleep, to which I can understand completely. She went on to say she was just a “mess”. She did vent alot, she had some angry words, but they were all part of her vent, and nothing that wasn’t said before. This conversation was, imho, more theraputic. More open, more of a discussion.

She ssaid that she has to suffocate her anger until it dies, which isn’t her process. Maybe it was before, but with me it is different. I have written before about how she needs to talk about things over and over until it processes out of her head, or she can understand it. I still believe that is true, and this was part of it.

It was different. The whole feeling of the conversation, it was more seeking answers and venting than yelling and blaming. I hope it helps her get to where she needs to be emotionally, I really am hoping. She went to be early, and that is a bonus. She needs to rest after 3 hours of emotional draining. I told her how I will be right here for her, like she was for me. That I understand her anger from what I did in the past, but now I am here to try and help. I even gave her an out, to just tell me to fuck off, if it would help.

It maybe different, but I know the pain she is going though on some level. The blaming yourself for things being how they are, and angry at things you couldn’t control. How it consumes you, and I told her that. But, I will be right here, trying to offer my hand, like she did for me.

She is still, my Angel

~S.L.

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