Yesterday, Angel and I rehashed everything that happened leading up to the breakup. It is clear, she hasn’t forgiven me. I guess I can’t expect her too, a year of pain is alot to process. But, It got heated at times, she is still angry that I didn’t decide to change until I lost her, because “It effected me” then and that was why, because it was selfishly in my interest, as she feels.
Perhaps, that was the catalyst. But I have said before, I realized that when she finally had to give up on us, that when I saw she was pushed to far, I knew how much I hurt her. The change was not totally for selfish reasons, I knew I had pushed her to that point. I knew, her loving shoulders I was puttinf everything on and hoping to get to a point where it would be easier for us had broke, her shoulders and heart had given out. Considering where we were prior, I knew that she was totally destroyed to push me away.
I never thought it could happen, and I would never have pushed her away. I did not “have my heart broken slowly into little pieces” over the course of a year, and I can not say I had. I can not live what she went through, no more can she live the place I was in. I am, especially now, having glimpses of what it is like to have your heart torn apart. As I have said before, she is much further in the healing process than I am, or so I thought.
“I am still so fucking in love with you it makes me sick” she said to me. It took me back. I watched the last 2 months, of Angel living her life and being my friend, I watched all of these things she did to take back control that she had given to me. I guess, because of her bravado and strong extrior, I assumed she was futher along. She went on to say how reliving the last year of our relationship kills her eberytime, How it is her fault we aren’t together, because she knows I would do it in a second and fight any fight and endure any pain for it. But, she can’t get there. She wants to “punch me and then make love to me and cry with me”.
She clarified a lot of comments that she had made, that I honestly took in shitty way, like when she would announce “Well, I am single now” and other like comments. I used to think they were digs at me, to remind me. But she explained, it is to remind her because we blur the lines of our friendship so often she has to say it and read it in order to catch herself. She is still fighting her self with me, and it is because she can’t trust me with her heart.
I can’t argue that, at all. I think that is where the forgiveness comes into play, or not being able too. I think that, if she forgives, then she will start to ease her anger. But then, she may fall into us again before I show I can be trusted. I don’t know, that is my guess. She even went on to say how she will “never be ok” but she hopes I will be.
She still sacfices herself for me. Like I would for her. She can’t feel the stress and anxiety and honestly, fear, I went through, no more than I can feel her pain of the year of being torn apart. I can empathise with is, more now losing her, but I can not relive it. It hurts me to see her still give so much to be my friend and live everyday talking to me, especially when she has so much anger at me. She even said, she is handling me different than anything else in her life where she would light it on fire and walk away, but she can’t with me. But she also can’t be with me, and who knows if that can change. I can hope, but ultimatley it is on her to decide.
I would be back together tomorrow if I could. Even if it was a slow process of earning trust. I don’t need the submission part even on the table, in the room, in the house or on the block. I just want to have my girl back, my baby, my Angel. One step at a time I guess, and until she knows for sure one way or another, then I will still try and be the best me that I can.