One of the things I have learned about Kitten, and maybe it took me too long, is that when she is mad or doesn’t understand something, she will need two things before she can get past it and then move on. I wish I understood this sooner, because I tried to fight it since I wasn’t understanding her process, and it dragged out issues we had as a couple.
I don’t mean boxing emotions up and putting them away for later to be able to deal with the “now”. I mean to actually move past the problem and resolve it to the point that she can accept what happened and actually come to a conclusion and make a decision on how she wants to move forward with it in one way or another.
The first thing she needs is to be able to understand why something happened. Which, in our case, All the bad decisions I made in situations over the last year. What is difficult here, is if she can not logically understand decisions, it infuriates her. That is a hard bridge to cross when my actions where not logical, and I know they weren’t, now.
Kitten needs to discuss a problem over and over until she can fathom what another person, even me, was thinking where it is something that effects her so deeply. She has to try to love the thought.
I can hear Kitten’s frustration when we discuss what happened, and I know it makes her upset. She asks questions, and I do my best to answer when I can. I also know, that when we get to a specific point of the issue she is having a hard time understanding, she will call that decision or reason “trash” or “garbage”. She isn’t being mean, she is just frustrated with that specifc thing more than anything, and doesn’t comprehend why it was done.
The other thing she needs, is time. Somethings Kitten can shrug off quickly, but when she can’t, she needs alot of time to process. She needs to have calm and discuss regular things while her brain wraps around it, processes and then she can decide what ever she needs to.
I want to keep discussing it with her, and I always will. It was no small event, it was a major one. Even as friends, I want her to fully understand what was going on with me. I don’t expect it to change our relationship back to what it was, though I can wish, but I want her to have that closure on it. I want her to be able to move on from it, in whatever way she deems fit for her.
I told her before, and I will tell her a million times, I am not going anywhere, I am not seeking anything else. I need to fix me, and try to be the best person I can in whatever way she needs me, it is the least I can do given all the love and support she gives me. But, I will always be there for her.