It takes a strong person to be a sub. From talking to Kitten, I have learned that being my sub was her way to escape all of the need to be strong in life outside of us. To break the shackles of a life full of demands and stress, and don the shackles of love and submission. It let her be, Kitten. The place she loved to go to when everything else went crazy.
So, for them to be that strong, and throw all of themselves into your love,trust and safety and be naked emotionally, and literally. That is devotion on an unmatched level. To trust you, with their heart, mind and body and have faith you will mold them, care of them, maybe break them and then put them back together again. So they can be stronger than before. That is trust on an unmatched level. All of it together equals strength and confidence from your sub.
Think about that for a moment. Maybe you are newer to this, or maybe you are a Dom and never sought why your sub enjoys their place so much (ask them, if you haven’t). But, the bond between a Dom and sub is so deep, that the sub is essentially saying “my life is in your hands, for whatever you wish.”
I have said before, Kitten has a type A job. Kitten is a type A personality. Kitten is a force to be reckoned with on every level. She works hard all day and every day. She is amazing as a woman to watch day in and day out as she takes on life and kick its ass.
But with me, she wasn’t that “Type A ass kicker”, unless i needed her to be. No, for me she was tender, soft and even meek when it was time. She was dedicated and obedient to my every whim. She would do anything I asked, and even more than I would ask. She shed the shell of a warrior, to be my princess.
Because, she loved and trusted me and knew I would give her that sweet escape to sub space and just let her know that I see her as a strong, successful woman, as well as my sexy obedient princess. I would respect her as a woman, but treat her as a woman. A woman full of passion, love, fire and sexiness that I have never seen before.
Think of that commitment to a person, to shed your warrior mindset, and know that you can just “be”. That you will submit, let your brain forget everything else, and just obey and be the such a focus of the person you loves attention, you forget the world exists and you are at peace.
That is what makes the bond so deep. It isn’t the person you hook up with, or hang out with. It isn’t a really good friend. It is more than just a wife, even. It is a devotion of every part of them to their Dom, and in return, they ask to be loved, cared for and protected with that same passion. In my 40+ years of living, this bond and relationship was deeper than I had ever even seen or read about. I can’t explain it.
This is where the other shoe falls, if you make the mistakes I did.
However it ends up there, that feeling of loss and abandonment for the sub is ferocious when things aren’t right. That need to please their Dom takes over and they start blaming themselves, and trying to see why their Dom has lost confidence in themselves. Because, they see it as a direct reflection of their doing. The feel hopeless, useless and like they failed. Even if it is entirely the Doms fault, they will blame themselves. If you know what “sub drop” is, picture that times a billion.
They will start to put up the barriers that you broke down. They will start to be more independent, because they need to be. They need to start filling the gaps you’ve left in them, their heart and soul and mind. They need to find a way to “be whole today”, because they have to.
It may take a lot of time, but one day they will get there if you aren’t caring for them, taking with them and being honest about how you feel. They are still the strong person underneath you can depend on. But, Because they are still that strong person underneath, and you are making them dawn that warriors shell again all day, and inside they are a wreck, but you may never see it.
You force them to question everything they know about you, about themselves and I am sure about their life. It is a level of betrayal I couldn’t comprehend before, until I saw what I did to Kitten.
How do you fix it? That’s a damned good question. Building the trust, is a start, IF your sub allows it. You have to be patient, and wait until they are ready. You have to still be there all you can, talk to them, love them and show them you are the Dom you promised to be, however not perfect you are. But, you need to seize the chance if and when it comes.
You also have to talk to yourself. Feel the pain you are feeling, and multiply it by a large number, to feel theirs. Understand the depth and gravity of what you did to the person you swore you’d protect. See the mistakes you made, and fix them. You have too now, because your sub is trying to fix themselves, and shouldn’t be expected to fix you at this moment. You forced it to happen this way. decide if it is worth that fight, to rebuild it all again. I know for me, that was never a question, but, that is me and how I feel about Kitten and I want to fix her, me and us.
Don’t rush them or yourself. I am still working on this part. But, in the past when Kitten needed a break from being Kitten, I would rush and beg for her submission back. It was always short lived, because we both NEED it, and I was trying to fix it. I didn’t look hard enough at why, and I didn’t listen. So I would rush, and we would “go back to normal” and I would repeat my mistakes and she would lose faith and trust in me.
Don’t do this, because you set your sub up for failure. If the sub is asking for the collar to come off, it is because they aren’t trusting you at the moment. Figure out why, then and there. Ask yourself why, then and there, a week later, a month later. Don’t dwell, analyse your mistakes and actually fix them. Follow up with your sub, and ask if they are seeing the changes and what you can do better. If you make a small mistake, own it right there and keep showing that mistakes don’t define you as a Dom. Remind them that they are worth every bit of fixing yourself. Because, they are.
Listen to your sub, and learn from my mistakes.