“How Are You, Honestly?”

That wasn’t really a question I was ready for, but Kitten asked. We were talking about how she was feeling better, in general. How she has let more anger go, how she is just trying to be happy today. I am happy for her, I really am. But, I wasn’t ready for the question.

I answered the truth. I wake up everyday and try to be the best version of me. I try to win and enjoy my day the best I can, I know it won’t be every day, but I try. We discussed, again, a little about what we had wanted and she called it all fake, because it didn’t happen. I guess everyone has opinions, but this is one I don’t agree with.

It wasn’t fake, it didn’t happen because we gave up before we achieved it. There wasn’t enough fight, I guess. I set my personal bar too high, and the failures consumed me. She ran out of confidence, patience and trust in me. I am not saying she was wrong to do so, I gave her plenty of reasons. It was just how it happened.

I am better most day, but I still miss her. I still miss us. It was great, when it was good. It was amazing, actually. I had the perfect woman, and I knew it. I had the perfect submissive, and I knew it. I had the perfect friend, and I knew it. That was one of the reasons, I put so much pressure on getting to her, and not enough of supporting her. It was wrong, and won’t be repeated. I told her “I won’t let anything cripple me again” and I meant it. Not that she crippled me, but I crippled myself trying to be more than I could be at the time.

Yeah, I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss her presence, I miss her love. We still talk everyday, I am grateful for that. She is still an amazing friend and I am lucky for that. But, that doesn’t mean that some nights my head hit the pillow, and my mind dances with her and loves her. My heart doesn’t ache for her, to have her again. To do it again, all of it, and do it right. I guess in some ways, I will probably always chase that in my mind, even knowing the reality.