She has been for a few weeks now, I knew it. As I said in previous posts, my only job now is to be here when I can, when she lets me. The move has taken its toll, it wasn’t really what she wanted to do. Now, she is just miserable. I know Kitten, she won’t stop, but she is having a hard time. That is why she told me she will “shut down for a while”, which translates into no calls or texts. I don’t know if she is shielding me from seeing her suffer, or just trying to drown out anything she doesn’t have to focus on. It could be a little of both. I just hate she won’t let me help.
I know how she feels, maybe not the moving part, it was actually the NOT moving part for me. So, maybe not the same causation, but I know the feeling where you feel like everything falls on your shoulders to fix, and you either don’t want to bother the ones you know care, of you don’t want them too see you in a weak or struggling aspect. Kitten is very prideful, sometimes too prideful. She and I are alike that way. We take our responsibilities seriously, we also are alike that way. We will rip ourselves apart for the people we love and depend on us, no matter how much it hurts.
I knew when she said it today, not to argue. She wasn’t in a place to talk about it, or for me to protest and beg her to talk to me and vent. She will when she wants too and is able too, I know that. I also know, this is the most down I have seen her, and I ache for her. I ache to be able to help her, but alas all I can do is respect her wishes. I told her I would be here and thinking about her, until she lets me, that is all I can do right now.
I don’t know if she reads anymore. I stopped asking, and she said she wasn’t going too. But, if the off chance that she does, I want her too know that I am proud of her, I cherish her in my life and I want to do what ever I can to be there for her, however she needs me. Life is tough for me right now, as well. Thinking of her is my escape from it, I wish she could find away to do the same. Who knows, maybe in all this crazy, he head will hit the pillow and she will feel me wrap my arms around her again.