What If I Fail?

I have spoken numerous times about the fear of the unknown. Both as a Dom and not as a Dom. As a Dom, there are many avenues you “could” fail at. During a Session, collar on with Angel, I only really “failed” one time. I owned it. I felt terrible for a short time, but we moved past it by talking and working it out. 

Outside of Sessions, my “failures” were not that often, but I had such an oddly high self imposed expectation of myself, that any mistake crashed into a giant mental failure. I would tear myself apart, sometimes for days. I did it, because I had this weird notion that I had to always be perfect. Angel would tell me constantly I didn’t have too, but I felt as the Dom, I was supposed to handle everything without fail, and even problems I couldn’t fix. After all, I was supposed to be the “all knowing, all protecting superhuman Dom”, that I apparently told myself I had to be, because no one else asked that of me, certainly not my Angel. I have no idea why I did that to myself, I surely know better now. I may not be a Dom, but I am still using that lesson learned in life. 

I think we all ask “What if I Fail” for anything new we are about to try or try again after it failed the first time. I think as you get older, you are more apt to take less chances, especially with something that could affect your responsibilities to others, submissive or otherwise. 

Maybe it is in love, or life. Wondering if that new adventure will be successful, or the changes that you have made will be enough for you and the person you love. Or, at a job, wondering if the change you make will be fulfilling and you will be good enough at it. Maybe you’re moving to a new place, and wondering if it will be what you hope for, you ask “What if I Fail”. I asked that alot, and I used to focus on it even more than I asked. 

I had always been afraid to fail, but that never stopped me from trying.  I would use a failure as fuel to try again and be successful. As I got older, I definitely would latch on to what was “safe”, no matter how much it may have been negative in my life. Then I met Angel, and I shook that fear of change and upset what was “Safe” for what was good. 

When things got hard, and they will, I reverted back to the fear of failing, instead of embracing the chance for a better change or moving toward my goal. I got bogged down by things that didn’t matter, and focused on things I couldn’t change. I also kept all of that from the woman I loved. I was so afraid of failing, and having her see it. I forgot who was there to actually help me through it. I forgot what was actually safe, her love. I have absolutely swore to myself to never do this again, with or without Angel in my life. I broke my Angel by acting this way, I destroyed myself through all of those actions, and I can never go back to that feeling of doing that to her or I again. 

I love the quote “Nothing in life, worth having, comes easy”. I embrace it more now than I have. Even as a recovering Dom, and as a person, I realize that even the most perfect situation, or love, isn’t easy. The “Easy” comes from the happy and fun moments. The hard parts make those easy parts better. There is no perfect formula, there are no guarantees, and there is no checklist to go down. You can plan, but the rubber meets the road, that is when you get your actual answers. 

I used to ask “What if I fail”, now I have changed that more to “If I fail, how can I recover and make it better”. Changing that question, changes your perspective, or it has for me. It tells me “ok, this could go sideways, but if it does how can I make this work or at least be a positive moment”. You can’t get stagnant, you can’t fear failure, especially if the goal is what you want.

~S.L.

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