The New Normal

If the last 2 and a half months have taught me anything, I have surely learned that change sometimes happens when you want it too or not. As much as we never want some things to change, it can and most likely will.

Kitten and I have been using the term “The New Normal” whenever we are talking about how we interact in a way that is different than it used to be. I will admit, this is still one of the hardest parts of all of this.

The last thing I wanted was to lose her, the last thing I wanted was to not talk to her all the time. But, the situation I had created led to that being a reality.

This weekend Kitten told me that she almost typed “I Love You” at the end of a rushed text, but it was more out of habit. She also said she missed me, which I hadn’t heard from her in a while. Both things made me happy and smile, even if one was a rushed habit.

How we text has changed over the last week, even more than before. It has since my last therapy, and discussing how Kitten was expecting too much from me as a “friend”. I didn’t want that to happen either, but I know Kitten and she needs her space and to feel like she is keeping a safe distance for me and her.

I don’t like it. Going 3 or 4 hours sometimes between messages. I know if I bring it up, it will not be a conversation that ends in my favor, as she will discuss the logic, and I will discuss the emotion. Maybe it is good for me, I know it is better for her, and I guess if I love her how I do, good for her is all the is important.

Sometimes I feel like she is distancing because she thinks it is what I need to keep getting better, to keep my path. The problem is, the more “normal” I feel everyday, the more I want her to be apart of it And my day. It is like a paradox that I wish wouldn’t exist.

But, it is what it is now, I guess. I know I have to win today, and tomorrow and the day after for me. I know I have to deal with my everyday, plan a move, prep for a surgery and try and just make the best of my day. She doesn’t realize my best part of my day, was always her and always will be. No matter how hard it was or how down I felt “Hi Baby” in my text lifted me. I miss those texts, as I still need them.

So, with the different messages, the less phone calls, down to 1 a day, and all of the change, I guess I just soldier on and hope maybe it changes back a little.

I did get my hearts back at the end of the night, when she is going to bed, it is an a step up from the kissy face emoji I was getting. She may not even realize, but the last text if the day changed depending in how she felt. The kissy face is “I’m ok, have a good night” and is the base line of text affection. The hearts, meant more. So, I will take that as a victory and fight on.

Kitten and I also discussed our individual future plans. She is most likely going to have to move at the end of the year, and discussing a new car. She said it was hard looking for new cars, because she planned her last car “around us”, and there is no us.

I am having the same issue looking at moving and houses. Not only am I struggling with where, as I always saw me moving to her, but also the size as I was planning for us.

Now, both of those are gone. It makes me not want to look, even though I have too. Kitten asked when that guilt of looking for “her” would go away, and I didn’t have an answer, because the pit in my stomach I get when I look hasn’t even come close to easing.

Change is inevitible. Change is constant. When you allow the change to be bad, bad things result. When you allow the change to be hard, hard things result. But, I guess when you know a change is coming, you can plan for the worst, hope for the best and maybe fall somewhere inbetween.

S.L.

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