In Different Places

Kitten and I have spent a majaority of our time together in different place, physically. Now, we are in different places emtionally. I am feeling so much better about myself, and I have learned alot through talking to Kitten, reflection and therapy. I am starting to feel more and more like myself, and that is great. But, there is also a downside, sort of speak.

The last 2 therapy sessions have gone well, or as well as they can when you see major issues about yourself that need addressing, but knowing them lets you fix them.

Kitten has been there, every step of the way. She has been amazing, and supportive and loving. She has surely given more than I deserve, but she has been my greatest supporter and ally.

The challenging part is, learning to be “Just Friends” when I have my feelings for her the way I do. My feelings about her, and she knows this, are still very much the same. She knows I love her, I want her back and I would do anything for one more chance to show her that I am the man she thought I was, and I can love her the way she deserves.

Kitten, is in a different place. She had to “box” alot of her emotions away to be able to not be angry with me everyday. She has had to put alot aside just to maintain a day to day conversation. It is hard on her, most days she does really well, but then something comes up and she has the anger right there.

The other night, it was seeing her jewelry that I got her. She became upset, seeing it and not wearing it, then remembering everything that happened. She told me that she was gonna unplug for the night, and I texted as I normally through during the night.

It bothered her, that I sometimes just text from habit and wanting to share my day when she wants space. We have talked, and she is going to just be more direct, so I don’t push when she needs her room. It makes me sad that she needs this room, but I understand why. I don’t want to stress her more than I do.

The conversation parlayed into another conversation about her telling me what she needs and me trying to meet that for her. She said she felt like a “crazy person” because we aren’t in a relationship, but she is setting all of the parameters that I am trying to live by, she says it isn’t fair.

I tried to explain that I am not doing anything that I am not comfortable with. That to me, it is worth navigating this path to see where we end up. Maybe we will be togther in 20 years, and maybe we will not. But I want her to still be a friend, in my life and part of my day. She is that important to me, and she gives me so much love, joy and confidence that the hiccups of trying to learn our “new normal” is worth every minute.

I try to explain to her why it is worth it, why she is worth it. I don’t always thinks she sees how amazing she is and why she is worth the “now” to even see if we have a chance later on. I have told her I know that is the slimmest of chances, but it is worth it to me to try and see. She is worth it, if you don’t agree, there is the little “x” button on the top right of your screen you can click.

She doesn’t see the beauty in herself, and not just the physical. She doesn’t see why her mere presence is amazing to the people around her. She doesn’t she her wit and guile, along with here amazing sense of humor is warming and makes a person feels amazing. That is all the reasons I fell in love with her to begin with. She didn’t see it when we first met, and I don’t think she truly see’s it now, she doesn’t always understand how she is a great person.

Here is a woman, who I hurt and damaged so much with my issues over the last year. She, by all means, should have cut all contact off with me. But she didn’t, she wanted to support me and love me and help me recover from what I was going through.

She, again sacrificing herself, has held my hand though this path of getting my life back. I know the pain I cause her, I know she hasn’t dealt with most of that. She put it aside, to get through her day to day, but also to be able to help me. I think about that every day, how she put aside her anger and pain, to push and carry me. To be proud when I make a stride towards being well, and to laugh and share her day with me. She doesn’t see it in herself, but I always do.

How could I not want a person like that in my life. One who truly loves and cares for me. Also, why would I not want to have the chance to show her that all of her suffering, support, love and struggle to help me can be paid back 10 fold through love and happiness that she deserves in the future if I get the chance.

We had a long talk yesterday about this. I told her what my therapist asked (rhetorically) “Why does she still care so much?” after I explained a issue that Kitten and I had with texting and comminication when I misunderstood and Kitten got upset.

We worked it out for the most part, but the reality is she does love and care of me. When she worries, or something happens, that love pushes the logic aside and takes over. Like it always has, and I am totally ok with that, infact I love it.

She said that I am making all of these adjustments, even though we aren’t together. She is right, I am. But I want too. I am willing too. I am choosing too. That part IS my choice, and even if my reason is based in MAYBE us being together again to the future, that should be enough because I WANT to. I WANT to respect her, and still be as much apart of her life as I can and her apart of mine.

She feels I would hurt myself for her, that I would “Light myself on fire if she was cold” and I would. It is the least I can do for the woman who saved me twice from darkness. Who still loves me, when I didn’t deserve it. Who is the only person in my life who truly wants my happiness. I would light myself on fire, because she has already given me life well beyond what I could imagine. She has saved me 2 times, I would save her a million.

Love and logic don’t always go together, They don’t have too.

S.L.

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