I said goodnight to Kitten almost an hour earlier. She was tired and I was too. Actually, I was freezing, which is usually a sign that I am exhausted. But as I said goodnight, I told Kitten “Happy Valentines Day” and I finished that sentence with her given name.
I have been trying to respect the distance and the new normal. I have been trying hard not to blurt “I love you” non stop, but I want too. I always will. But, we talked a good amount today, and I wanted her to know that I was thinking about Valentines Day, and I really did want her to have the best day she could.
I don’t know if she thought I was being a jerk, or not. But she commented how she would “add this to the list” of the new normal because I used her birth name instead of any of the pet names I have for her.
It wasn’t that I was avoiding because I don’t want too, I was trying to respect her. She hadn’t told me “I love you too” regularly as of late, and as much as I want to tell her non stop, I always don’t want to push her away any further. I love having her in my life, no, I need it. I don’t want to push her back further than what she is already.
So, I explained just that, that I always used her birth name when I wanted to talk directly to her heart. I used it to tell her I am speaking to the woman I love, all of her, the totality of her. I did it always on purpose, when it meant something big and loving and it was the core of me talking to the core of her. That was the SPECIFIC reason I used her birth name.
I didn’t over explain, I didn’t keep going. I took a breath and said goodnight and accepted that she maybe upset, but I know I explained and I can only go from there. I explained my point of view and now I need to get in bed.
I spent the next hour or so thinking of her, even now as I write and I get sleepier as I type because of what she texted well after she said “goodnight” . I thought about Valentines, and the past ones. I also thought about my perfect Valentines day with her.
Its silly and campy, but I pictured what was a dinner train. Old Fashion enviorment, setting with a black tie and black cocktail dress. She looked ravishing and amazing. Something well planned and different where we get to just enjoy the environment and each other. I pictured everything down to the dessert.I even pictured taking her home and making love to her. God, I wanted that day so bad. I wasn’t sad, I just wished. there is a major difference.
I kept thinking about it, my body fighting the melatonin I took as it is now when I type. But then, like she knew I needed it my phone went off and Kitten texted “I love you too”. She understood what I was saying, and she also told me she loved me. I tried not to dance in bed, but I did a littled.
I know she loves me, but hearing it from her, it is a game changer for my day. It makes me feel like a million bucks. I know we are friends, and I know she loves me. But to hear her say it, well, it settles and calms me so much. I love her too, more than words can allow me to express.
Valentines Day didn’t suck, because I know she loves me still.
Now, its time for bed, finally.