It is not even a word I like or associate to myself. I had always been good about controlling my reactions, even in the hardest of situations. I realized now that all of this guilt I let build up has caused me to get triggered, and it was only when Kitten was upset with me.
Today I told Kitten that I shared our loss with someone close to me. Without trying to defend the indefensible, my reasoning was sub par. More importantly, it upset Kitten because we shared that loss, and we hadn’t told anyone, with the exception of my therapist and my friend last month.
Kitten was justifiably mad, and I tried to explain my point of view as to why. It wouldn’t have fixed how she felt. I betrayed her and shit on her feelings, but it would have changed a lot if I stopped the first time, if I didn’t KEEP defending. And we argued a lot over it and I kept defending myself to her reaction.
Finally Kitten said “I shouldn’t have to defend how I feel to you”, meaning I kept trying to tell her to look at it from my point of view and not be upset. She asked why I do that, and how I never did that before
That made me think, and by think I mean it slapped me upside the head with a comment. This pent up guilt I still have in me for letting Kitten down, I couldn’t stand the thought of her being mad at me. I think, no I know now, that for the last year I felt so guilty and felt like I let her down in the 2 times where it never should have been an option, and every time since then when she got upset I couldn’t handle it. I would turn into this scared little boy, because I was afraid she would end everything.
This wasn’t what she said or did, it was always the opposite. It was what I saw in myself, that I didn’t think i was deserving of her because I felt so much like a fuck up. I do see the sad irony in the fact that I was so worried about something tearing us apart, that my worrying tore us apart because of how I acted as a result.
But, it made me step back and see myself again. I saw what she was saying, and I hadn’t seen that all year, or I ignored it.
I was being ignorant. Her words, feelings and opinions were so paramount to me every day in our relationship, and then suddenly I was a scared little boy so afraid of losing more i would flail and argue to show I wasn’t a horrible person. I was being triggered by my own guilt, stupidly so.
Kitten asked me if she had ever said anything to make me think that, and she hadn’t. It had always been the opposite. She always tried to tell me I was great and amazing, even through disagreements. But, here was this scared stupid little boy, afraid he would lose the one thing he cherished and needed, and I lost her anyways.
I need to fix that, to take that breath. To know if I disagree with Kitten or upset her, to listen. That if I listen to her, explain my side of things once and then move on, it will be so much easier.
I know couples, friends, relatives everyone argues. I used to never feel like that the world would stop, usually as Kitten said we would “argue, say our points and then ask who wants chicken nuggets”.
I seriously don’t know why she still tolerates me, but I am thankful she does. It was a hard afternoon, it was double hard for her today for a reason I won’t share, and even though she by all rights should tell me to fuck off totally, she doesn’t.
She still supports me and trying to figure this out. She still talks to me, she still shows me love i don’t know if I deserve at this point. But, I am not going to let her regret it, even as a friend. I will fix this, I will rise from the ashes and I will find the old me again.