“You aren’t going to write anymore because I can’t submissive?” Kitten asked me this morning after reading my post where I said I had to decide what to do with this blog now. I will keep writing, as this has been cathartic for me. But what to write about?
Do I write about being a failed Dom? Kitten and I had a lot of amazing experiences, and I could share some of those. We had a lot of collars and toys I could review from my perspective. But, I am not a Dom right now, and that is kind of hard to bring new stories and experiences. But the door isn’t shut on that.
I could write about life, day in and day out. I could document my steps to better my life, fixing myself and hopefully it will be an amazing love story where at the end, Sir gets his Kitten back eventually.
When I think about it, and what to write now, it begs the question over and over “How did I end up here?”. How did all the things that life threw at me, and Kitten, over the last year bring this culmination where I am lost so much of myself, I was doing so good. How did I get so frustrated in life that I pushed Kitten away, the one person that loved me, care about me and took care of me. Even more than my own family, honestly. I was hit so many times, I lost confidence in myself and let my Kitten down. Why did I let it change it so much?
I am going to write about the last year or so, in another post. I want to recap it for myself, and just share everything that happened that kind of culminated with me losing my Kitten.
Kitten said this past Thursday that she can not submit to me while we live so far away. That the distance is insurmountable for it to work. She stated that while she loves me, essentially, that side of us has to go away for now. She even gets angry when she looks at her collars and wanted to send them all back. She went on to say she isn’t a broken girl who needs me to fix everything, but she needs me to love her, be her person and support her when she needs it by talking and listening and sometimes just letting her complain. She needs me to be who I was, and I do too.
She needs me to find a way to be happy. I live far away away from my family and where I grew up. After my divorce, a lot of my friends who were “gonna be there” for me, weren’t. I have a few who are, and I am thankful for them. I read that it is more common than most think, that when you divorce and certain population of friends will cast you off. I also let some other friendships slide as well, that isn’t lost on me in all of this.
I have a job, I used to like, that I can’t stand now. I have a new boss who is terrible and has made work a place I used to put a lot of effort into, into a place I go for 8 hours and leave. Don’t even get me started on the cost of living.
So, I have had to weigh and balance a lot this week. I have been for 2.5 years now, and I had decided long ago that I was going to move closer to Kitten. But, now she doesn’t want that. So I will relocate back to where my family is and where I grew up. I still need to find a way to get out of this environmental hell.
It will be hard on the kids, but as my former marriage therapist who told me to “not wait to the last minute to get a divorce lawyer” said to me when I mentioned moving “You wake up miserable everyday in a place you don’t want to be. Your kids see that, they see you angry and upset. Studies have shown in a divorced home that kids who see their parents happy, even with less time, are more successful than those who see parents everyday who are miserable.”
I am miserable living here. For so many reasons. I have been for some time now, like 10 years. When I first divorced, I was going to move. But, money is a hard commodity. I not only pay for child support and monthly bills, like everyone else, but I don’t have the budget to even save money. So, I have to formulate a plan to get the move in motion. I know what the cost is, I just need to make a financial cushion until I get set up.
I need too, my fear going into my divorce (and before Kitten) was I would be sitting alone, drunk and miserable in a tiny apartment when my kids weren’t here because I had no other ties here. That prophecy has all but come home to roost, minus the drunk part. Now, it has cost me so much, and I did it to myself.
So, I am pushing to plan my move. I have applied to several jobs, contacted family about it, and set a hard date of May 1st. I will have better support for myself and when I have the kids for the summer, I will be closer to Kitten and have more job opportunities.
Hopefully, it will restore my fight and confidence to where it was over a year ago. Hopefully, I will feel like I have some control over MY life again, and start the path to being the man I once was.