Yesterday was a harder day in the afternoon. I woke up and felt good, I had got a call from Kitten early in the morning. She doesn’t have too call, not like before where it was part of her daily. But she chose too, for me even though she didn’t really feel like it and I forgot that the call is a gift.
I even asked if she needed some time out and about alone, as she was about to run into the store. She said yes, and I asked of she was going to call again when she was out and I hear her get a little frustrated.
She told me later, properly, that it was shitty of me to ask if she needed time alone, and then instead of hearing she said yes, I just asked her to call me again. I didn’t listen. I didn’t take her needs in mind first. I was so happy to hear her, that I got selfish and wanted more of it. I have to curb that excitement and need for her sake.
But, that was not my only screw up, so I will continue. We shared a Tumblr log in and Kitten said she was going to seperate my profile from hers, and I reacted emotionally.
I told her, I didn’t want that to happen and it bothered me and then said I was going to go for a walk (which I was planning on, but she also knows when I am mad or frustrated I walk). Kitten got upset at me, and rightfully so. I didn’t ask her why she wanted to seperate the log in. I didn’t ask her anything, actually. I just blurted out what I wanted. I was sad, sure, I didn’t want another part of who we were to be erased. But, I didn’t ask her why she wanted it to be her own, which was too have her own space to vent and escape and share her feelings like I do on here with my blog.
I guess, in my Dom brain that is what I was here for, Kitten reminded me that I don’t get to do that anymore, even if I wasn’t trying too or thinking I was. I am not her place to vent to unless she chooses too. She does not have to ask for anything or permission, and she was just talking to me about it, I don’t get to tell her what to do. That side of being a Dom, is gone. My brain needs to figure that out, because I don’t get to be him anymore, and it made her angry when I talked to her like a Dom.
She even said her first reaction is to try and listen when I am direct, and that is more of a pain because, even when I say “Please” I am still being direct, and it comes across to her like I am telling her. It creates this well of emotion and anger in her, because her first reaction is to listen, but then she remembers she doesn’t have too and now that emotion is there and just eating at her. It isn’t fair to do to her, to send her brain to the place I took away, and it just makes her angry at me. I can understand why. It is like sending her to a happy and safe, and then there is nothing there to enjoy. It is an empty room. It is cruel, if I am being honest.
She said this blog isn’t for her, it was for me. It is, but I guess I have been writing this all too learn, keep me true to my word, and for her to see that I am trying. That brought up the next problem she told me about, because I am full of problems, still. I am being pushy.
When Kitten took her collar of finally, she asked that I respect her process of healing and grieving. We were still talking, we still love each other, but she needed to figure out how to deal with her emotions about all of this, grieve, be angry and then decide how we move forward together. She asked that I be respectful, and not pushy. She asked for respect and space.
She reads this blog, I know she does. She knows I am trying, but she doesn’t need this, my process or even my emotions thrown in her face everyday while she is still grieving and tell her to read it, versus asking her if she had or could read it. It makes her angry, because she is seeing it, she is noticing, but she doesn’t need to be told, asked or any other way pushed. I guess I was so excited to show her, I was being pushy. I was, to be perfectly honest, even if I didn’t think I was.
For me, I just want to know that she see’s it. That she see’s that I am trying. That I am putting all of my efforts into being the man she deserves and once was. Being the love that she deserves. But, this is my “path to enlightenment” as she calls it, not hers. and I need to understand and respect that as well.
Lastly, she told me to talk to her like a friend again, which I used too all the time. I think as relationships and life go on, you get into to this day to day mode with the limited time you absolutely fall into routine.
Kitten and I live 3200 miles away from each other right now. We have limited free and alone time. We have limited phone calls with the time change and work schedules. We fell into routine. We would talk about our day, we would take on the phone about what was coming up this week, or what needed to be dealt with in our daily lives. But, I wasn’t asking her how she was, what she needed, how I could help and support her. Most of the time, I would just tell her what I thought she would do directly, and never asked really what she would WANT to do about situations that came up.
She would ask me, she would give me advice. If she was direct knowledge about a topic, she would provide me every detail about it she knew, then give me advice on what she thought I should do and why it would benefit the situation I was dealing with.
But I stopped asking about her, how she felt. What she needed. i kept telling her, even to do things she enjoyed. But not asked her what she wanted. I think when I would tell her, especially for self care, to do something, it was because I wanted her to have that time and space and relax. But I didn’t ask her what she wanted to do to relax. I always went “Dom Brain” first. I would tell her to “do it for me” which she would do because I said that phrase, instead of asking her what she would want to do to relax or what she might enjoy that day.
I wouldn’t just talk to her, like the best friend I used to be. About life, family, work, and mostly, how she just felt. I think in some ways, she stopped talking to me about what I could do better or something hard in her life, because I would take it so hard and start a spiral, and she couldn’t fix me and the problem.
Fixing that guilt flash about things I can’t fix, has always been an issue for me. I know it was exhausting for her because she told me time and again. So that friendship, went away. I need to fix that, and let her know I do care, she is important as a friend too. That her wants , needs, feelings, all matter on every level. I want to be her best friend again.
It takes two, as I said. It takes two to build, it takes two to trust and it takes two for love and submission. It took one to break and destroy all of this, but it also takes two, to respect each other and help in the process and not hurt. I am one of two that destroyed it all, and I need to be that one do my part for her and let her grieve, be angry and hopefully find a way to trust me again, or have any other feeling other than anger and disappointment.