It Takes Two

Yesterday was a harder day in the afternoon. I woke up and felt good, I had got a call from Kitten early in the morning. She doesn’t have too call, not like before where it was part of her daily. But she chose too, for me even though she didn’t really feel like it and I forgot that the call is a gift.

I even asked if she needed some time out and about alone, as she was about to run into the store. She said yes, and I asked of she was going to call again when she was out and I hear her get a little frustrated.

She told me later, properly, that it was shitty of me to ask if she needed time alone, and then instead of hearing she said yes, I just asked her to call me again. I didn’t listen. I didn’t take her needs in mind first. I was so happy to hear her, that I got selfish and wanted more of it. I have to curb that excitement and need for her sake.

But, that was not my only screw up, so I will continue. We shared a Tumblr log in and Kitten said she was going to seperate my profile from hers, and I reacted emotionally.

I told her, I didn’t want that to happen and it bothered me and then said I was going to go for a walk (which I was planning on, but she also knows when I am mad or frustrated I walk). Kitten got upset at me, and rightfully so. I didn’t ask her why she wanted to seperate the log in. I didn’t ask her anything, actually. I just blurted out what I wanted. I was sad, sure, I didn’t want another part of who we were to be erased. But, I didn’t ask her why she wanted it to be her own, which was too have her own space to vent and escape and share her feelings like I do on here with my blog.

I guess, in my Dom brain that is what I was here for, Kitten reminded me that I don’t get to do that anymore, even if I wasn’t trying too or thinking I was. I am not her place to vent to unless she chooses too. She does not have to ask for anything or permission, and she was just talking to me about it, I don’t get to tell her what to do. That side of being a Dom, is gone. My brain needs to figure that out, because I don’t get to be him anymore, and it made her angry when I talked to her like a Dom.

She even said her first reaction is to try and listen when I am direct, and that is more of a pain because, even when I say “Please” I am still being direct, and it comes across to her like I am telling her. It creates this well of emotion and anger in her, because her first reaction is to listen, but then she remembers she doesn’t have too and now that emotion is there and just eating at her. It isn’t fair to do to her, to send her brain to the place I took away, and it just makes her angry at me. I can understand why. It is like sending her to a happy and safe, and then there is nothing there to enjoy. It is an empty room. It is cruel, if I am being honest.

She said this blog isn’t for her, it was for me. It is, but I guess I have been writing this all too learn, keep me true to my word, and for her to see that I am trying. That brought up the next problem she told me about, because I am full of problems, still. I am being pushy.

When Kitten took her collar of finally, she asked that I respect her process of healing and grieving. We were still talking, we still love each other, but she needed to figure out how to deal with her emotions about all of this, grieve, be angry and then decide how we move forward together. She asked that I be respectful, and not pushy. She asked for respect and space.

She reads this blog, I know she does. She knows I am trying, but she doesn’t need this, my process or even my emotions thrown in her face everyday while she is still grieving and tell her to read it, versus asking her if she had or could read it. It makes her angry, because she is seeing it, she is noticing, but she doesn’t need to be told, asked or any other way pushed. I guess I was so excited to show her, I was being pushy. I was, to be perfectly honest, even if I didn’t think I was.

For me, I just want to know that she see’s it. That she see’s that I am trying. That I am putting all of my efforts into being the man she deserves and once was. Being the love that she deserves. But, this is my “path to enlightenment” as she calls it, not hers. and I need to understand and respect that as well.

Lastly, she told me to talk to her like a friend again, which I used too all the time. I think as relationships and life go on, you get into to this day to day mode with the limited time you absolutely fall into routine.

Kitten and I live 3200 miles away from each other right now. We have limited free and alone time. We have limited phone calls with the time change and work schedules. We fell into routine. We would talk about our day, we would take on the phone about what was coming up this week, or what needed to be dealt with in our daily lives. But, I wasn’t asking her how she was, what she needed, how I could help and support her. Most of the time, I would just tell her what I thought she would do directly, and never asked really what she would WANT to do about situations that came up.

She would ask me, she would give me advice. If she was direct knowledge about a topic, she would provide me every detail about it she knew, then give me advice on what she thought I should do and why it would benefit the situation I was dealing with.

But I stopped asking about her, how she felt. What she needed. i kept telling her, even to do things she enjoyed. But not asked her what she wanted. I think when I would tell her, especially for self care, to do something, it was because I wanted her to have that time and space and relax. But I didn’t ask her what she wanted to do to relax. I always went “Dom Brain” first. I would tell her to “do it for me” which she would do because I said that phrase, instead of asking her what she would want to do to relax or what she might enjoy that day.

I wouldn’t just talk to her, like the best friend I used to be. About life, family, work, and mostly, how she just felt. I think in some ways, she stopped talking to me about what I could do better or something hard in her life, because I would take it so hard and start a spiral, and she couldn’t fix me and the problem.

Fixing that guilt flash about things I can’t fix, has always been an issue for me. I know it was exhausting for her because she told me time and again. So that friendship, went away. I need to fix that, and let her know I do care, she is important as a friend too. That her wants , needs, feelings, all matter on every level. I want to be her best friend again.

It takes two, as I said. It takes two to build, it takes two to trust and it takes two for love and submission. It took one to break and destroy all of this, but it also takes two, to respect each other and help in the process and not hurt. I am one of two that destroyed it all, and I need to be that one do my part for her and let her grieve, be angry and hopefully find a way to trust me again, or have any other feeling other than anger and disappointment.

S.L.

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25 Comments

  1. Sometimes it takes 2 but often it takes one. One to stop and breathe to just slow down. I may have been pushy too in my own relationship, OFC needy sounds like pushy too.

    I decided breathing was important in working on fixing stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And listen. Breath and listen. I used to he good at both. Then I started to panic I fucked it all up and I stopped doing both because I was trying to stick my fingers in holes in the dam that werent there.

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      1. And you also need too let yours heal too. I have taken to writing for letting it out. Then I am trying to find other things to “fill the gap”. To give the brain a break. Playing a video has been ky other mental break place.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well she gave me homework, onto ep 6. Have been writing while I have coffee and for that I have to walk first. Yeah seriously homework, like in school so I will keep at it and likely not write quite as much while watching but I think the show has reminded me of things that I’ve pushed aside because it’s easier to hide in subspace.

        As much as I know that she dropped me I still have the feeling that she owns me even if she doesn’t allow what she did.

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      3. Homework is to see if you will be dedicated and do it for her. To put the effort in and try. She wants to see the change?

        I forgot about the ownership feeling. It is hard to break the mindset. For the top and the bottom. And even though her collar is off, she felt compelled to do certain things. And I have to remind myself how to address her so she doesnt feel that.

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      4. Yeah, I have thought about adding the picture of her marking me to the post Being owned. I’ve two bite marks one on each cheek and her writing on me claiming me. It’s still one of her pics in her profile and I know that I will always remember what she did that day. Not allowed to use her title anymore and when I respond to her it tears my heart to pieces everytime.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yes it does. The thing about being owned, and not being in the same relationship we were in is that I will always feel that I am hers. Without question or reason…and that I still feel her marking me when I wake, go to sleep, shower or go for a walk I will always know that I am hers. I feel it in my soul, mind and body. Nothing will change that. The marks may be gone but the memory remains.

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      6. I got the chance to receive an hour and a half of texts from him before I posted my latest and the walk for coffee helped clear my mind. The strangest thing keeps popping up, to be secure in a relationship one needs to know that without a shadow of a doubt that what you say goes in a relationship if I understand what he is saying.
        I don’t think he understands what he told me in that unless she agrees with what he says it is just wishful thinking that it’s a secure relationship.
        Last time I was told to step back it was out of respect for her and that her at the time Dom was moving in. He is the sub in the relationship between them and he’s saying that what he says goes. Overreaching much? Saying that he is in charge…sigh. it really doesn’t matter I guess because other than the feeling of being owned I will have to wait on the sidelines for things to change.

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      7. No he never has. It’s something that she has struggled with a lot for 5 mo and then this mess.
        I can wait. If it becomes better great for them, not that I’m wishing discord but I am insanely loyal to her. If things change she knows that I am still hers.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand you are trying to fix things and clear some up but …. i do find this exchange a bit confusing tbh.
    You say that she wants time and space to be alone and heal but yet she is the one who contacted you. Yes, she did answer ‘yes’ to your question but under the circumstance i can understand why you would ask if she was planning on calling back. It seems natural to me, maybe not so much pushy.
    The devil is in the details as they say and i certainly don’t have them all but perhaps she is not being as clear as she should be either. It does take two, she could have simply stated that she meant the rest of the day, not just the shopping trip.
    Communication and trying is going to have to come from both sides, along with patience and time, if you both want this fixed. Just my opinion.

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    1. I appreciate it. But I think that that specific exchange highlighted the entirety. She would tell me what she wanted, and I would push past it to what I wanted. She said yes, and I pushed to me. I have done it a few times. So I think the totality came to light. If that makes sense?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that you don’t understand the response in its entirety? The fact that you are ‘pushing’ seems to be an after thought … if so, perhaps coming up with a more direct way of communication from her would be helpful?
        For example, when Bear and i started out one way for me to communicate to Him that He was not listening or slipping into old habits was to simply address Him by His given name. (Something that i never do.) It was a ‘safeword’ of sorts it caused Him to stop and assess what was going on and gave Him the chance to change course.
        Of course if i neglected to do so than i couldn’t very well get angry with Him for not noticing. It’s not the way He communicates, i already know that, so we put a safety in place. Make sense?

        Liked by 1 person

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