I Used to be Her Escape

“I am going to go, I need some food and started watching the Witcher. It’s pretty good. I just need some quiet, my brain is screaming for it”

Kittten

I used to be that quiet. I used to be that escape, now today after a night of bad dreams, I can’t be trusted to be her escape. Superman in a wig wins that prize. I am not mad at Henry Cavill, I am mad at me. I ruined all of this.

Last night, I was having trouble sleeping (Even with melatonin). My brain was locked on Kitten. I wanted to hold her in my arms. I wanted to hug her body, kiss her and let her feel safe. I wanted to feel safe, I always do when I hold her.

I eventually fell asleep holding a pillow with her pillow case on it. But I slept horribly. I was up and down all night. Walking around, getting water, trying to just find a way to settle my brain. But it was on her, all night.

Kitten texted me when she got up, and told me she had a horrible night of sleep. She told me how she had horrible dreams, and they were about me.

They were not only about me, but I had her tied up in a session, and I was hurting her beyond what she could take, and she was begging me to stop, and I wouldn’t. Now, that has never happened, nor would I ever do that. But, she dreamt it.

I felt like a lowest form of pond scum and my heart sank, how could I have done this to the woman who I love more than life itself. The woman who had released me from years of pain and anguish and reminded of who i was. The woman, who when I wanted to give up on life and just go through the motions, reminded me that I was worth fighting for. Now, she is dreaming of me abusing her.

Kitten explained that, as I figured, it was obviously the emotional pain being turned into physical. On top of that, it was specifically the most intimate and trusting part of our love, and I was abusing her as she dreamt about something that she can’t even have anymore. She can’t have her safest place. I destroyed that.

When I explained that I would never do that, and I wished I could take all of that pain away to show I would NEVER do that, she reminded me that “”Never” is a shit word now”, considering the pain I caused her over the last year. She is right, How can I ever say that again.

Kitten explained that this is why she wanted a break. She doesn’t know how she can support my process of fixing all I have done wrong, how she is supposed to be available for me to change, but she feels like she “has to do all this stuff now”, in regards to helping me right all the wrongs, and work out her stress and worries. How can she be expected to take help me, when she obviously needs to protect herself, because I can not be trusted.

“I’m glad you have all of this clarity, and you feel better. But all of that pain and suck is still very real for me”

Kitten

I know she doesn’t say it to hurt me. She would never intentionally do that to me. She is fierce, but she never intentionally hurts me. But it did, and it should. I deserve it. It is a reminder that for a year I caused her all of this pain, and set such a deep scar on her heart.

Everything she lived with while loving and supporting me when I was undeserving has now coming home to roost. And now when I am finally realizing and trying to show her that I will not repeat the mistakes, and I will love her and she can trust me, That I need to know she still has a year of pain she is still living with and needs to deal with. I have only been trying to heal her for a week.

So, I have seen again the damage I have done. the fact that anyone else, or anything was chosen over me for her mental escape is a sharp reminder of just how far I pushed her away, what a creton I am, and how much trust I have to earn back. I will, earn it and get her back. But until then, I guess Henry can help.

S.L.

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