As you start down the road of BDSM you learn a lot about yourself. Often times, however, you learn more from your significant other. Kitten has helped me learn, and even taught me things about myself I never knew. Like, I AM A SADIST.
Now, as most of you may know, the word sadist is the “S” in BDSM. I knew it too, but it is still very much outside of my personality to be a sadist, or I thought. I don’t want to put random people in pain, I have never intentionally caused “pain” in people, barring a few that deserved it and not for kinky reasons. But, never a lover (I despise spousal abusers and feel they need to be buried under the prison), or significant other.
But I never really understood the art and mindset of erotic and loving sadism. To give pain to someone who loves receiving it. To have it enhance both sexual experiences for you and your loved one, with consent of course. It goes so far against who I am, or what I have believed I am, that any sort of pain seemed like it was against all the rules, until I met Kitten.
Kitten knew a little about herself and pain. She knew she had enjoyed the occasional spank and use of a toy. She knew she wanted to discover more about herself, as we had discussed it. I was also a type A personality, I always enjoyed being more dominant, but I did NOT know that I wanted to learn more about my dominance and giving pain for ecstasy, but having my Kitten in my life changed that. She “woke the beast” and even when we were first talking and before we even made love for the first time, we were already running down the road of dominant and submissive, and for me being a Sadist.
We talked a lot about toys and restraints. Our sessions together would be more and more intense. I would describe to Kitten how I wanted to tie her up, fuck her hard, spank her with a paddle, make her scream my name and submit too me, but I WASN’T a Sadist, I just enjoyed puttering her in pain, because she enjoyed the pain. I enjoyed using toys that left marks and bruises, because we both LOVED the marks and bruises, but a sadist? No, that isn’t me.
Kitten laughed the first time she suggested it, and to hear her tell this story makes me laugh and smile too. “Baby, you’re a sadist” she said after asking me all of these questions about different ways I wanted to put her in pain. After getting me to admit, to my dismay, that I got off on fucking her, putting her in pain, making her my little toy, to use however I want, push her into subspace through pain and submission and restraints, but I would be god damned if I was a sadist. I was in total denial, and I knew damn well what the definition of sadist was. I even knew she was a masochist.
So, we found a test online. It wasn’t a personality test, like on social media. It was from a BDSM site, and was over 100 questions about scenarios and likes and dislikes. Then after you answer them all, it gives you your percentage. I think I was 92% sadist, DAMN IT!
It is a weird thing to learn such an extreme personality trait about yourself. For me, I have always been the protector, one who would shield others from pain. I would be the one to sacrifice myself so others would NOT be in pain, and here I was staring at my results:
“Well, fuck, I’m a sadist”
Was my exact words to Kitten after taking the test and getting the results. I was blown away, like still in semi denial, Kitten was giggling and being supportive and loving as she always was. But, honestly, I was in shock. Even after all I had learned with Kitten, I was shocked, and too this day when we are joking about it, I laugh with Kitten.
I also embrace it now. I know that I am a sadist, and I know that I am still the same person I was before I “found out” I was a sadist. I would still never allow anyone to hurt my Kitten. I would step in front of a bullet to protect her. She is my world, she is my reason to live and breath. I would never abuse her, ever, nor would I let anyone else try. She is mine, and I am her protector.
But, goddamn does the thought of tying her down and leaving cane marks on her, or paddle her, or slap and spank her just right. I get off on it, I fucking love it. I love seeing my hand prints bruise the inside of her thighs were I grab her and hold her. I love seeing my marks all over her, and so does Kitten. We document them, and I look back at them often. It is my marks, on my property, and not one is given without an abundance of love and caring.
This was a strange thing to learn about myself, and I have also learned about Sub Drop (and Dom Drop) which I will write in my next blog. But, one of my favorite parts of being a sadist. One of the best parts of tying my kitten to a door, leaving her body bruised and marked. Relentlessly make her cum by fucking her and using toys on her to make her totally at my whim, chained and used and worn out, is the after care.
Caring for her afterwards, loving her, reassuring her, tending to her marks, healing all of her back to 100%, is the greatest culmination of our love. To be raw, fierce, hard together and reach a level that is not of this planet then to take her into my arms, love her heart, mind and body and put her back together is absolutely not ONLY an honor, but it is an emotional orgasm in of itself.
Are you a Sadist? A masochist? Just curious. Maybe you have questions or a story to tell. Leave a comment below. In my coming articles I will discuss Sub/Dom drop and aftercare for Kitten. I will also describe our hardest sessions and how amazing my Kitten is. I can not WAIT to tell you the strength and endurance of my Little Kitten.