“That’s My Secret”

It had been a decent few days, I had a good appointment with my therapist, Kitten and I were talking a lot and I felt lighter. It is amazing to feel the lift of the weight when you start talking and dealing with issues in a positive way, versus a negative one. But a rapid climb is not without pitfalls.

Yesterday, I woke up rested. I have been sleeping better and waking up feeling better too. I got a lot done in the morning, Kitten was texting me here and there she she was enjoying her day as well. I decided to clean my smoker and make ribs. I also decided it was a nice enough day for a few beers on the deck. Ok, maybe more than a few.

As The day progressed, I confront a few things that were bothering me outside of Kitten and I. I was getting stuff done, I was feeling good and happy. The sun felt good, the beer was cold and the food smelled great.

Then, “Sir” started trying to eek out of me. I have felt it a few times over the last week, that dominant portion of my personality just showing up here and there. But, I ignored it. I haven’t felt like “Sir” in so long, I honestly didn’t know if he could just show up.

But, a few beers and feeling better let him come right to front and center, and it wasn’t good. It was good to feel that way, but how I dealt with it was terrible.

It was almost like “Sir” had been away for a year, which he had. He just got home and found that I destroyed the place that he built. I ran Kitten off, and was just standing there in the shambles and he wasn’t Happy. He wanted his kitten, and he wanted her now.

I started texting Kitten, I even sent her a picture of my face. I was rude, ignorant and I hurt her. I was trying to bait her into admitting she missed him, and I was trying to kick in the door to her new house, throw her over my shoulder and walk out.

I did, I wanted more than anything. I didn’t even care how I got there, I wasn’t trying to earn submission, I just wanted to have her back. I felt it, and without her, I got desperate and reached.

Through her grace and love, she left it alone last night. She was also busy studying, which was another reason I was an ass. But, she called this morning, and we talked about it. I tried to deflect it off, for a few minutes, but then I read back through the texts.

There it was, black and white. I was trying to like force it, force her to go to a place she couldn’t. I guess in my mind, she had totally shut off her submissiveness to me. That it was like a switch, and I was just hoping to see a sign of it, so I was trying to drag it out.

As we talked, she was so supportive of me even when I didn’t deserve it again. She walked me through everything, she was patient and loving. She was stern, and forward, but she wasn’t harsh. She told me something I never thought of, I will always have the “Sir” in me, and now that so much is changed I will have to find a better way to deal. He is apart of me, he is me. Now, without my Kitten, I have to find new ways to give him the outlet. Probably going to write more when he comes up, as that is my only other outlet that is palatable right now.

Kitten informed me that her submissiveness never goes away, she was submissive before me and will be after. But, she deals with it. A lot of the time she is like Bruce Banner and the Hulk in the Avengers Movie “That’s my secret Captain, I’m always angry”.

I apologized profusely. I knew I was wrong. I know I need to find a better way to deal with that, especially if he is going to surface more and more as I feel better. Kitten essentially told me that was one area she couldn’t help with, after all she had done and does, I can’t ask her to help me with that, it isn’t fair to dangle that in front of her when she is still healing those wounds too.

She doesn’t ever have to put up with this, but she does. I know I am gonna make mistakes, trying to find “the old me”, and as Kitten said I should aspire for the old me, just be me. I think that is a good approach. I can not tell you how thankful I am for her, even still. She is angelic and has a heart of gold.

Then, we had sex over the phone. It was amazing, and felt amazing and like we never missed a beat. I hear Kitten crying after and it snapped me back to reality. The emotions got her, and even though our sex life is amazing, and intense. No one can touch me how she does, no one has or could even make me feel how she does. But, the pain of the emotion for her is something I don’t want. We have been talking about it all day, and I know it probably won’t happen again.

It did feel amazing, to have it just be her and I. Have everything else slip away and remember what it was like to make her orgasm and moan, it always made me happy to make her feeling amazing. It was like a drug in of itself. I always craved it, and I always will.

I hope she can feel better about it, and we can just move on. Learn what not to do, and be better at it. I don’t want her to hurt, I know as friends there will be parts that is hard for both of us and hurt, but I want it so few and far between and only when it is needed to heal a wound and not open new ones.

I learned today, I learned a lot and I need to apply that in my day to day. I also didn’t spiral when we discussed last night or even after today. I had too many wins recently, and I was going to use my better judgement in fixing mistakes and not reliving them, like a phoenix rising.

Kitten – thank you for being amazing still, for being so understanding and loving as I try to learn the better ways about myself and even how I treat you. I will be better, I need to be better. You have been the only one in all of this, to stand by me. I promise to make it worth your efforts. I love you, and I cannot state enough how selfless you are and how I see it, even when I don’t earn what you give. You can never look at yourself, and say you give up on those you love, because you should have 100 times over on me, and you didn’t. It is a testament to your person and your heart. You are not a dumb girl, you are a loving woman.

S.L.